11:51 p.m. - 2010-10-10
it's no wonder I'm not sleeping
looks like I'll be applying for a job at a factory in town. they were on dragon's den and GOT MONEY ! they take plastic and recycle it into lawn furniture.. patio furniture? whatever, outdoor shit. you know what I mean.
anyways.. looks like Keith and Ashley work there.... from The Frenchman days of hanging out at Dan's house getting fucking hiiiiiigh in the basement....
I found my stash of shit from when Josh and I were dating.... CHRIST. that was particularily(sp) awful. mostly because that summer was spent in equal time between Josh and Lynn... I spent a lot of time in a contact high off of either very young love OR marijuana. Its a diary that I kept while spending fucking HOURS on the phone with Josh, and the sketchpad with his giving me his digits picture he left in it, after spending the night in a tree drawing in the book and then handing it to me and giving me a big hug.... i miss his hugs...
motherfucker. I kind of want to burn the whole tiny mess. really its a sketch pad with about six pages in it, and a mini notebook thing with about twelve scribbled pages.. mostly random thoughts or shit I don't really want to remember...
Cuz I know I'll never get totally over him, its the 'first love' thing, and when it was never really bad in my head, I don't know what the fuck happened in his head, since he never told me.. and I had chalked it up to the sex thing but we never went that far really...
WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT THIS..
Its so fucking old. Old news. Totally.
Prolly because I clicked with him in a way that I never ever did with Patrick, because HE was always playing me...
From this vantage.. its like all these boxes of shit belong to some other person.. I don't remember what it is to be 'me' its been so fucking long since I felt that way...
I got close this year at the party, just staring up at the sky, the sun dappling through the leaves as I listened to shitty 90s nu metal...
I think my main fucking problem is that I don't feel like I have a bestie. I'm baaaack to the preLeslie feeling of wandering aimlessly on this earth and having no one else to tell me this is real. just walking all the time. My parents checking in now and then, making sure I'm not crying constantly.
I'm FUCKING terrified that I'm going to get my daughter to fill that role.. Im sooo glad she's in school... and I just hope this FLYlady thign can keep me together long enough to get someone..
I'm going to find that other pair of shoes I have, and I'm going to shine my sink, and I'm going to run through my bedtime routine. I'm going to get through this clutter and dirt, and my kids won't have any conscious memory of being barred from one room of our apartment. They will only remember the library, mom's bedroom, mom's office and the storage corner.
And I will get through this box of highschool shit without losing my goddamned marbles.
sing sing sing to me, sing me something I need sing you sing me God I wish that I could (feeling so easy, make me skin and bones)
