8:03 a.m. - 2008-05-06
we're in our new place. and we love it. the cat is fucked up and I want to get rid of the damn thing, but mom would be , well, not quite sure how she would be, but if I get as much tax return money as I think Im getting then he's going to the shelter, with $80 to put him down if no one wants him.
he's insane, and he's been 'marking' the pallets that the washer and dryer sit on.. WE DONT NEED A BASEMENT SMELLING LIKE CAT PISS.
and I would like to BREATHE normally sometime this millenium.. gah.
Im going to print out all the emails you have sent me at work and keep them in a show box at home heh, we've been having problems with our systems lately and Im afraid Im going to looooose all of them, which would suck.. a lot.
I wish it wasnt so busy at work, so I could do homework, heh, and catch up.. Im about 2 weeks behind in my classes.. ugh..
once things settle down here, Im hoping to be able to do another hour of homework at night.. maybe.. hopefully, and devoting anytime that Julianne is sleeping on the weekends to doing homework too, although that wont happen.
soo, i don't know. I didnt ask P about the hearttoheart on saturday.. i should definately ask him.
he wants to take me to a Leonard Cohen concert on June 3. Its in hamilton and I mayyy go. we'll see. Im thinking of making it the last thing we do like that together. the last 'date' type thing. Kind of depends on if he remembers the conversation from saturday..
Im biking to and from work, and it SUCKS, but Im getting better, as in, I dont taste blood anymore and Im learning how to pace myself a bit, and I can make it up one hill! with a downhill start, but still, I could do it three days ago when I started, and now I can! wee!
And its really hard, but I feel good about it. And the weather is holding out well for me.
so i should really get into the shower so I can make it to school 'on time' and by on time I mean 9:30, because Ive never actually made it there by nine!
Im hoping once I get good at this biking thing that I will get more time at school, since I have to be up to get Julianne off anyways..
I feel pretty good. And I can feel my spine, and I feel myself again.
Im glad I was wasted on saturday, so I could tell P exactly how I felt, I told him EVERYTHING, like how I felt like killing myself last summer (I didnt mention that the plan was to take Julianne with me, but no one knows that but C, and well, now M too.)
But that bit of info was news to him and I think it hit home. He was trying to tell me that he was suicidal and I was like ok, so? Ive been there too, because of you.
Last Thursday he gave me until June 21st to 'make up my mind' about being with him, and I said ok. he said 'dont you want to know why' and I said 'it doesnt really make a difference, but sure'
And I dont care. I seriously dont. care.
And I told P that, and he made like I was lying, but I could tell by his narrow eyes that he was hurt that I really didnt give a shit, and I think that is was provoked the heartoheart.
He tried to get me to commit to going home with him while we were at the BnD, but I denied denied denied to the point that I said No, Im not going home with you and THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER! and I left the table and danced my ass off on the dance floor and forgot to look at him for the rest of the night..
good times.. and I feel light and moving forward. I dont feel ashamed anymore of my decisions or my heart. I want to have another pint with Josh, and talk to him about Montreal, I should email him from work maybe.. hm, what I should do is go have a shower so I have any hope at all of getting to school...