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11:00 p.m. - 2008-06-08
O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do
Im reading i-am-jack again, after a long absence, I have been doing that a lot lately, rediscovering old dland haunts I used to adore and check religiously..

And what Im actually doing is avoiding writing this entry..

because part of me feels ASHAMED, and I have never ever been so drunk that Ive been ASHAMED the next morning..

but I felt ashamed last night so does that make it better?

I ran away into the night before it could get too awkward..

but i MUST comment, that kid is one goddamned good kisser..

like i just got goosebumps thinking about it for a sec..

*break for more jack..*

and im back..

ok so i was really drunk, like Im pretty sure I havent been OUT and been that drunk.. Ive probably been that drunk when I was you know getting home and going to bed, but to be going to the bathroom and be that wasted and NOT puking and totally ready to walk home or wherever and a boy takes your hand and puts his arm around you and talks to you and you sit on his porch and his arm is still around you..

i feel weird writing this.. i want to remember but i dont want to tell you because this isnt a fantasy it actually happened and I know I KNOW that there are two other girls into this guy and i totally made out with him and might have maybe i dont know ok probably would have given him everything if he had wanted it, he didnt, which made me cry and walk home when I couldnt really walk and I got lost and ended up calling a cab and reading street signs to the dispatcher..

alright, i'll start at the beginning because I cant write this at work and I need to get it out soon its almost midnight for gods sake..

so after the dinner he starts a conversation with me actually walks up to me and stands beside me and talks for a while and asks me to sit beside him

I totally challenged A to a drinking contest at your party,, the saturday night, shots of rye, first one to puke loses.. omg im going to die..

and he keeps talking to me ME of everyone there and looking at me and through the night hes making me lauhg and talking to me and we're playing with his tie and Im undoing the buttons on his shirt to read the tshirt he has underneath and im totally hitting on him but we're drunk and hes hitting on the bartender so i leave him alone and forget until hes right beside me with his arm around me and we're talking again and N comes up and spills my entire drink down his front/leg and hes sad, and i tell him about the hand dryers in the washroom cuz it was rye and ginger so it wont stain.. and he leaves and comes back right to me to tell me it worked and Im still touching him..
and I slow danced for the first time in a LONG time with C and it felt nice.. and danceydanceddanced a lot.. and felt awkward and fat..
and then we walked home to his place and laid on his lawn because we were all WASTEFACES and it was really funny because T showed up after (we tried tog et him to come with us but he wouldnt) and he took off his shirt and ran around and
I tried to text you because J was telling me on the walk home how much he misses you and i told him I email you like everyday and he said wow i dont email her that often and I told him he SHOULD! and we talked about M and his new gf that i have never liked and his inability to email you or anything and fuck i wish i could remember that conversation.. BUT I didnt have your number in my phone!!! so Im going to put it in my phone so I can drunk text you from A+M's BnD
all i know is I kept looking at his lips and saying to myself STOP IT youre the fat friend just stop..
and then he got naked and ran around in front of his house with just his socks on.. (he covered himself, although T swears he saw his balls)
and then T passed out on the lawn and everyone else disappeared into a cab once and then the sister's car and I ended up sitting beside J with my arm around him and his arm holding me close and we're talking about life and how hells kitchen is the ONLY reason to live and Im not thinking about anything just laughing and laughing... so happy and honest and relaxed and I havent felt that way in a LONG time with a boy's arm around me.. (P's arm only came out to keep me from going anywhere, or to show some other guy that I was taken)
and we hatched a plan to spray a passed out T with the hose, so J went to get the hose and he took a while so I went to find him and he had the sprinkler so we set it up and J got wet in the process but he's still not wearing a shirt so I help him get the water off.. and Im still touching him..
and we wait for the sprinkler to do its job and T yells and runs when the water hits him and we laugh and laugh until we realize he's puking on the truck..

so we grab the hose/sprinkler and we spray off the truck/driveway
and Im helping J put the hose away and he says stop Ill do it tomorrow and I said you wont want to do it tomorrow and he puts his arms around me and says nothing and we're kissing and hes pulling me closerclosercloser and I cant breathe and its like lightening hits my spine and its so awesome..
And Im almost crying now writing this (but not yet!) because I KNOW he was drunk and Im stupid to even want to remember this but.. for a long time I thought I was screwed, this was just the body I had and I cant help it.. and biology has taught me that EVERYTHING changesin the body, even bones, and its possible over five years to TOTALLY change the structure of your skeletal system.. and muscle mass and everything.. to lose weight and forget it was ever there..
and J made me feel like that.
so we stop and start and stop and start he keeps looking at me and I can tell how drunk he is but I dont know the secret to get him so I give up when he says I dont know if I should do this.. so we walk back aroundthe front and I help push T into the house and he asks me if Im walking home and I say yes, and I dont know if I said goodbye or if I just ran away.. but I started to cry pretty quick and I walked pretty fast until was lost and I kept walking and called a cab and was on hold for twenty minutes so I was about halfway home (I knew which direction I had to go just not what street I was on) and I got through just as I hit a corner and I told them the street signs and then a cop pulled up and she asked me if I was ok because it was pouring by that point..and I told her a cab was coming, and after that she kept driving by which was nice, making sure I got the cab i guess although I could have been abducted and raped or whatever in the interrum..

so thats the end of the night, some fucked up shit happended with M n A and I was pretty pissed at M and ignored him and let him leave without A so she was waiting for a cab with T and T took my wineglass home, which was good because I was wiping dirt and water off of boys backs and they were lying on the ground..

oh if only every wedding would end this way..

I think Im just going to pretend it didnt happen when I see him next, but, Im really dying to know if he remembers it..

guess that will have to wait until we're both drunk and Im skinnier..

T and I have a plan we are going to work on together, mine includes starving as best I can (because really, I weigh more than I did when I was pregnant and I dont fucking care anymore)

after kissing him Im going to get skinny, even if it takes me five years, but at the very least I can try to look better for MnA's wedding..

and maybe be skinny enough to seduce him properly..



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