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11:34 p.m. - 2008-06-27
...looking at pictures of that brand new little boy..

I just wanna pick my not so little girl up and squeeze her.. and hold her..

Am I always going to feel guilty that I didnt love her right away?

Im sorry, love, god Im so sorry.. I should have tried harder.. but i wanted you to smile back sooo bad..

I needed that smile like air, and I didnt get it for months..

I wish I knew then what I know now.. I wish I loved you better and forgot about him..

In the end, you are everything. you are the reason.

and I pray every single moment you are in my arms, hugging me, or rocking, or dancing, that God will shield us both..

If this was the big picture, then dont let it end terribly.

everytime I come home I expect to see cop cars, and hear gunshots.

and my heart twists just thinking about it, but, Im trying, Im still trying to go through it, because thats the worst case scenario.. and a part of me wont let it go.

I think my period should just start already so I can stop crying and freaking out ..



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