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10:54 a.m. - 2008-08-14
Don't waste your lips on words I've heard before
Kiss my tired head.
And each letter written wastes your hand, young man
Come and lead me to your bed
You gave me hope that I'd not lost her
And then thought it rather strange to see me smile-
as I don't do too much smiling these days.

She put on happiness like a loose dress
Over pain I'll never know
"So the peace you had," she says,
"I must confess, I'm glad to see it go."
We're two white roses lying frozen just outside his door
I've made you so happy and so sad,
But which should I be more sorry for?

Come kiss my face goodbye,
that space below my eye and above my cheek
Cause I'm faint and fading fast, I see a darkness
And I shall be released.
I'll pass like a fever from this body,
And softly slip into his hands
I tried to love you and I failed,
But I have another plan.

My Lord, how long to sing this song?
And my Lord, how muchmore of this pretending to be strong?
When she stands before your throne
Dressed in beauty not her own
All soft and small, you'll hear her call
"you brought me here, now take me home."

He got his papers two days ago. Nikkithelawyerlacky had to hand deliver them to him. But he read them. and then the night before last, he msged me and wanted to talk (at 930pm)

So I got in his car, and we drove around, and ended up at Williams, and we walked through the papers, which was hard. He doesnt see himself as the shitty father that he is...

BUT he started counselling this week (sssshhhhh, please dont say anything, iknow you wouldnt but i just have to say it)
he's gone twice so far..he has an anger log, he is supposed to write down three things that made him angry and rate them as to how angry he was.

He has asked me to delay this court thing for a year, to give him time to sort his shit out.

And mine too.

I made it clear that I had no intention of moving back in with him, as I am going to school next year.

I dont think he's accepted that reality yet, and prolly wont until I get an acceptance letter, or maybe until I get halfway through the year and he realises Im fucking serious about nursing..

He doesnt advise going to school fulltime without a job. His logic was that he did that for two years and look where that got him..

I didnt think of this until later, but the BIG difference between our education is that I have a gaurantee of a job before I even start the program. The nursing shortage is only going to get worse in the next six years, and I will be able to walk out of school and into a job once I graduate, making at least $25/hour to start.
With his education, he had no gaurantee that he would ever work in his field, it took him a year to get an entry level job for minimum wage, and six months later, he's still at minimum wage.

I dont remember having SUCH a good conversation with him SOBER since before I was pregnant... and even then, I cant put my finger on a specific memory..

He LISTENED when I spoke, he didnt make me feel like an idiot.

I actually believed that he respected my opinion and wanted my input. I wasnt wasting my breath.

So Im going to talk to my lawyer and see if theres any possibility of postponing this court case until January.

Moms going away for the weekend to my grammas, so Im hoping he will come over, although I dont want him to STAY HERE, but he probbaly will considering he is homeless right now..

but I want to tell him that he has four months to figure out if he wants to be a responsible person, who pays his rent, who pays his bills, who treats others with respect, or whether he wants to continue on the way he has been living since I moved out. (which is he does whatever he wants, pays certain bills, buys a guitar he cant afford, buys a car he cant afford, stops paying rent, moves into a room in a house, only pays a months rent, decides that the girl who owns the house is a bitch and moves out a week after moving in, and is now ?? livigin out of his car I guess, but there is still crap in the old apartment on campbell court, which he hasnt paid rent for since June.)

God I wish he would just GROW UP. It would make my life a lot easier if he could take care of himself.



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