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7:29 p.m. - 2008-11-08
let me out of this
I dont want to go into this but Im going to, because for some reason, I keep forgetting what this feels like. For some reason, I keep getting myself almost involved with that whole thing again..


He was talking all week about this 'pulled pork' recipe for a slow cooker that he wanted to throw together on Saturday. Which meant that he wanted me and Julianne to come with him to get the ingrediants, and then stay at his place all day while it was cooking. He wanted his Mom to actually put it together in the slow cooker.

alright. so. By 11am I call him and ask if he still wants to do this. He says yes and shows up at my door at 11:30.

We spend 20 minutes walking around and around and around the grocery store, (SOBEYS) picking up 8 items. He was FUCKING picky about the buns, and he was trying to do the conversion on the pork shoulder (the last ingrediant we needed to pick up) when he goes, well fuck this, its going to take eight hours, screw it. I had the fucking shoulder IN MY HAND and everything else in the carrier. Julianne was starting to get cranky for lunch and ... he decides not to get this stuff. ok fine, Im for sure NOT paying for it fuck that.

So then we get in the car and he goes well that was a monumental waste of my time. Like it was.. my fault?

and I said Yeah, it definitely was a waste of EVERYONE IN THIS CAR'S TIME.

ugh. so we get back to his place. and he's bitching about being tired. so I tell him to go have a nap. Nope he's 24 years old hes not having a goddamn nap.

ok fine. so he lies on the couch. makes no effort to play with Julianne, just wants her to lie down with him. Um, yes a two year old just wants to play quietly in someone's arms. while they doze.


So I get Julianne to lay down and I hang out in the computer room for an hour to make sure she isnt getting herself into trouble, you know, instead of just going to sleep like she is supposed to. And he's bitched off about that too.

So I come out and spend 30 min on the couch before Im bored, so i do dishes, he makes hamburgers and a steak for himself, and graciously makes a hamburger for me. I do more dishes. I sit on the couch until I hear Julianne wake up and then Patrick is bitched off because she wants to play with a loud toy while he is trying to watch Star Trek. on TV. He passes out on the couch finally, while I play with Julianne, but not before bitching about how she will sit with me and not him. She sits with me to tell me something and then shes running around playing again.. its not like shes actually sitting with me!
So I make supper for Julianne and I, reheated leftovers, theres no juice for Julianne so I put some crystal light packets from my purse in a few cups of water for her, Im getting her some apple sauce trying to be quick because she's trying to get down from the table and steph's trying to stop her and Patrick suddenly yells SHUT UP!! and Julianne starts bawling, she was crying before but now shes terrified, so I come out and try to get her calmed down and eating her apple sauce and I call a cab, because Im fucking pissed now.. and he comes out to the kitchen and goes what the fuck was that and I said I ordered a cab to take us home and he said Why? Because you yelled at Julianne and are too tired and angry to drive us home, and he blamed it on his SISTER, "Well, if Stephanie hadn't been saying all that stupid shit Julianne wouldnt have cried at all" and I just looked at him and then he said "But you know, you pull this shit all the fucking time, so go ahead, waste money on a fucking cab for no goddamn reason at all"
I got Juli, put her stuff on, got everything else, and was waiting outside for the cab when patrick came out to egg me on some more, once again blaming his sister for the fact that he YELLED shutup, in the direction of an already crying two year old, making her freak out all the more, but it was essentially my fault because I was "in a bitch all goddamn day"

...seriously? did you just fucking blame the ENTIRE day on me?

So then the cab goes to Camp Out, so I carry Julianne, her backpack and the carseat over to camp out, and Im trying to get the carseat in the car and keep Julianne from running onto th road or wahtever, and she starts crying and screaming and really freaking out, even the cabbie said, she thinks you are putting her in and leaving her, and I just burst into tears. because she really did, she was trying to get out and saying "Plee MaMa Ouuu!" and crying and crying and Im trying to get the car seat in quickly and get her in and get going because Im terrified Patrick will hear her and come out ready to kick the shit out of soemone..

I cried pretty much the whole way home in the cab, I gave the guy a four dollar tip because I felt bad for being such a basket case and he tried to get me to talk too, silly bastard, that just made me cry more..

Julianne calmed down once she realized I was in the front seat and I wasnt leaving her in the hands of a stranger, poor girl, breaks my heart to think that she believed I would leave her like that!

basically, since I got home, Ive checked that the doors are locked 4000 times, and Ive reminded myself that Dave and Kristin are out enjoying dinner ALONE for the first time in three years, for their anniversary, and I just want to smoke my face off and be comforted, because Im freaking out a little.

My brother's gf thinks I need to get laid by someone else. And is officially looking to find me 'anyone'.

Something so benign for me construed as cruelty
Such a difference between who I am and who you see

Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect
I donít know who youíre talking
to with such fucking disrespect

This shitís making me crazy
The way you nullify whatís in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue thatís not what you did
Your wayís making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you wonít be happy til
I am bound in a straight jacket

Talking with youís like talking to
a sive that canít hear me
You fight me tooth and nail to disavow whatís happening

Your resistance to a mirror I feel
screaming from your body
One day Iíll introduce myself and
youíll see youíve not yet met me

This shitís making me crazy
The way you nullify whatís in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue thatís not what you did
Your wayís making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you wonít be happy til
I am bound in a straight jacket

Grand dissonance
The strings of my puppet are cut
The end of an era
Your discreditingís lost my consent



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