12:37 a.m. - 2008-12-28
12 degrees in december, at night
UGH, that pisses me off. Probably because she is closer to ALL of you then I ever will be again, but whatever.
I really really really REALLY need to boycott any gathering until they call me.
Yeah, nice excuse, invite me through my exboyfriend, who only told me of get-togethers when he was going.. UGH
It all makes me SO FUCKING MAD. I mean really, did I waste so many years thinking of you guys as completely and utterly indispensable?
Really?
Such a fucking waste of time, and breath and fucking effort! I totally understand what Josh has been saying now, I completely get it.
And seriously, the total lack of response from the girls night, that REALLY hurts. Because of course we always knew that the guys were unresponsive, but, jesus, the girls too?
Amanda came by yesterday, and we spent a few hours catching up on the last year, and, her vote is with the 'move out of this province some day' both because of the economy, and because there is getting to be less and less people that are worth my time..
ugh, I dont want to make new friends.
SO, in other news. he tried really hard to get me back, and I stood, well, firmer then I EVER have before.
I'm sticking to the 'I don't love you's and the 'I can't see us working together in the future's and I laid it all out, through tears of course and him trying to hold me in his arms to take me to another time and space where that would make all my fears disappear, but it didnt work. We talked aboutlove and sex and he's pretty much COMPLETELY flipped from the last time we talked about love (forfuckingever ago, before Juli) and he doesnt get it, he really REALLY doesn't get it. Because to him sex = love, but not always. Just, you know, with me. Well, thats great. But from my point of view, its just something that we do, and there's no heart in it, there's no tenderness, there's nothing, but taking what he needs, and Im just letting my body do its thing, because I cant control it anyway and giving whatever will get him off me for a week.
But I can't tell him that. Because the last time I opened up about something it came back to bite me in the ass, through his fucking caustic barbs, and I made him cry by explaining exactly why I can't open up to him anymore. Because last fall/winter, I did, and explained how hurt I was and how I couldnt trust him and how 'unpretty' I felt in comparison to all the other girls and when I 'went crazy again' last spring, you know, when i stopped paying rent for an apartment I did not live in and stopped having four nights a week available for him to screw around, that time. He looked me right in the eye and said "You're not pretty enough for this shit" called me batshit crazy in a FB message. So no, Im not going to explain to you how FUCKED I am from this trainwreck of a relationship that I can't. fucking. kill.
Because that would only open me up to more attacks later on, when I lose some of my control, or my cool, and I snap at him for something, you know, going 'crazy' again.
And he has asked me several times in the past week to "Stop being so crazy." and Every Time He Says That, the hair goes up on the back of my neck and a hundred things run through my head, like everytime I left in tears, everytime I was TERRIFIED and left, everytime he came home drunk and I pretend to sleep while he groped me..
And Im not giving in this time, Im not giving him anymore chances to make me cry, Im not giving him ANYTHING, but courtesy. Because I have to, because he is my child's father. And I can't walk away without creating a big fucking mess that will follow me into eternity, and follow my daughter as well.
So here I sit, surrounded by the many many things people have chosen to buy my daughter for Christmas, and I still have one more family function to do tomorrow. I have a feeling the gas prices are going to skyrocket in Jan, like the corporations know that a depression has started, and wanted to get one last gluttony of holiday insanity before letting the regular people realize how broke they are...
Im hoping that Ben and Gemma will come home soon, mostly because I hate being the adult at home alone with a child. I hate being alone, and being responsible for someone else is terrifying in daylight, but at night, I check the locks a thousand times, but I have to leave the front door unlocked for Bemma to come home..
uuugh.
and if I stay up, I can get a smoke from Ben, because they didnt seem to interested in stopping for me to get some, and just wanted to share theirs...
So, in two weeks, more of the same, and more and more and more..
It's hard being a 'good' mother.
