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12:26 a.m. - 2009-02-28
we only come out at night
My mom's best friend of 20+ years has been diagnosed with liver cancer. She's been given 2-12 months to live.

My mom is a wreck. She's never had anyone close to her die...

So I've been talking her through it, and talking her out of terribly dark places.. and its draining.

I should be sleeping, because in the mornings I can't see straight Im so tired..

I can't wait until Im a nurse and I can do midnights..

I start bartending on Thursday, and we'll see if Kris is right and I can't handle it. That little tiny drunken comment STILL picks at me..

I went shopping for a shirt and had a HUUUUGE reality check.. so we'll see where that goes.. but.. at least I got this bartending job to help me stick to resolutions Ive made soo many times before..

I was looking for a shirt because Patrick is taking me out to dinner at some fancypants place on Sunday..

WE'RE NOT TOGETHER.. he just has no one else to go with..

he still makes me want to scream on almost a daily basis..

I find out next week if I have a full-time job past March 31..

I've gotten accepted to Georgian and Mohawk. If it comes down to the wire and Conestoga has said nothing, I have no idea what I will do. I can't imagine commuting to Hamilton.. but I also can't imagine moving to Barrie.. my mom would not be able to get a job, and I have no idea if I could float us through... maybe if I can actually get a bartending job when I get there..

ugh, need to stop thinking about this.. a letter from Conestoga and it all doesnt matter..

Ive got a knot in my stomach and its not from this stress. As usual Im freaking out over something totally fucking stupid that I should be over, and I should move on with my life and accept that I have made decisions that means that I don't have the friends I once did but fuck, this really sucks..

and so I go back to playing pointless and stupid games on facebook (Im playing five different ones now, and they are all very similar)

Maybe it would be better if I started smoking again.. I stopped, sorta, after the week from hell (juli being gravely ill) and bronchitis.. my smokes were stale so I threw them out, but I cant bring myself to throw out the ones that came from you.. but I can only handle like three puffs before Im stumping it..

I think it comes down to the idea of making new friends and how FUCKING terrified I am to do that..

Because really, whats the point? I will gain ten people but in a few years all I will really have is the same people I started with so why bother..

I really wonder what I did to earn this..

And its NOTHING nothing NOTHING compared to having chemo treatments in the hope that you will live to see the snow melt and the sunny days of summer... fuck what is wrong with me.. why does everything everything come back to you?

Why can I not live my life and be HAPPY with what I have and know that you're the asshole and it doesnt matter what I did in the end it would be the same..

But I keep running every encounter and wondering if I pushed you away on purpose or if you were just in the wrong place at the wrong moment..

I think what happened is, I gave every last bit of my patience to Patrick, and so I had NONE left for ANYONE. and I still have very little patience.. I get hurt, sooo hurt, and just walk away. And then sit and cry in my car.. because I can't let go of a time when you called me a friend, and wanted to talk to me and wanted my advice..

I have to HAVE TO get over high school and all the stupid shit that happened.. and all the memories.. I have to let all of it go..

I really dont want to, because I havent figured out yet where Im going, I mean really going in life, Ive got the whole thing planned out now, but I know in twenty years, when Julianne is in school or wherever she is, I will be home, alone, updating this stupid diary and wishing I was starting grade nine again.. so I could relive all the moments that I really felt alive and connected to my friends.. when I felt comfortable to walk into a house and know that I wouldnt get turned away, or locked out..

Knowing that there's soo many people i can call who will pick up on the first ring and talk to me.. instead of me sitting there listening to ring after ring, tears welling in my eyes AGAIN, because I know no one will pick up..

But, the only time I have the confidence to fuck everything else is when Im cutting and I can't stop.

ugh, pathetic.

Can she just live to see Sept 1, can she watch her grandsons and Juli play in the park together, can she just make it that far please.. and can I please get accepted into Conestoga, these two things.. thats all.

fuck everything else.



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