10:42 p.m. - 2009-04-12
don't miss the bus!!! this entry is huge..
It is kind of amazing how easy it is to write this. I really wish I would have kept a diary of all my dreams.. I NEEEEED better names though, but I find myself unable to write it out, unless I have some kind of a name for them.. so um, dont get attached to any of the names, except maybe Leroy, I like that one..
Holy christ, I just read a book called Working For The Devil, by Lillith Saintcrow, and GODDDDD so good, and it broke my frickin heart. I really don't think I could convincingly kill off a character.... even a minor one.. well, not a vampire or something, a human I could prolly toss aside.. haha I've been reading a few YA vampire books.. one was about a Gardian Angel who lost his wings when he failed to let 'his girl' die the way she was supposed to and thus exposed her to a vampire attack... and he was wandering around the world trying to find her.. Another one (Evernight) is a cross between Harry Potter, Twilight, and frickin Van Helsing. Surprisingly not terrible though..
I have a LOT more written.. Im trying not to write at work tho, so I havent actively added anything until today..
I went through and editted it haha.. just to get my head back in the story.. now Ive got to put the different pieces together.. Which is surprisingly easy to do. Ok I'm going to give you soem more.. but Im going to edit it a little first..
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Can I show you something he spoke quietly so the words rumbled in his chest.
Is it terrifying I asked smiling.
A half grin this time, You better believe it is, and then he picked me up and we were running.
He made a leap and I braced for the impact of the landing that didn�t follow. The wind picked up and I was clinging to him when I felt a strange cool moisture on my skin, and the wind again, drying it into memory. My eyes were shut tight and my jaw clenched, I didn�t dare open my eyes, certain that I would scream if I looked, if I let my brain close in on the knowledge that I was flying. That we were flying.
It stopped as suddenly as it had started. He put me down feet first, like my silly vision, only I wasn�t wearing a white dress. I steadied myself, my eyes still closed, one of his arms wrapped around my back, his hand on my waist.
You can open your eyes now I could hear his smile in his voice
The sun was bright behind grey clouds, I could see where the inlet opened up to the sea. We were on the roof of a very tall office building.
Your building, he said quietly, gives the best view. I was coming to sit up here to watch the sunset when I saw you the first time..
I stepped over to the ledge and peered over the cement that came up to my waist, separating me from a 40 story fall. They city looked green from up here, the trees in full leafed summer green. No doubt encouraged by the moist overcast weather.
I could hear the bustle of cars and busses. The screams of kids playing in the splash park, in spite of their mothers begging them not to get too wet. The air was chilly enough.
I turned to James, �How would you explain our sudden 40 story elevation?�
Are you asking me how to fly?
I laughed, Of course, I�m asking you to tell me how this is possible, so I quit trying to wake myself up. Apparently Im not dreaming, I looked over the edge again and his arm shot out and grabbed my elbow
Please, Elle, step back?
You can fly and you are worried of me falling?
I�m worried I wont be fast enough to catch you. He blurred to the other side of the rooftop. And back again, just as quick and blurry to my sight.
I laughed again, You�re seriously worried? If I weighed ten tons, you would still have time to dance a jig before swooping down to keep my brains from splattering.
That�s not exactly a thing I want to test.
I have something else I want to show you.
He took my hand and asked May I? And I said are we flying again? Unless you want to take the service elevator, he gestured to the rusted metal shack in the corner of the rooftop. I shook my head No you are probably safer then that old thing.
Probably? He swooped me in his arms again This is the safest you will ever, ever be. He touched his forehead to mine. Close your eyes dear one, I wouldn�t want you to get sick.
A longer flight this time, I opened my eyes and watched his face as we flew, it was the serene mask again, until he noticed I was watching then he snuck in a kiss that would have dropped me to the floor if I was standing. I closed my eyes again
A beach. Not one I knew, with a hut. Two loungers outside, a small table that came up to my knees with an organic umbrella.
After our 20 minute flight, I couldn�t imagine where we were. James went into the hut and reappeared with a picnic.
You didn�t eat lunch today. Hm? Exactly how do you know that? I said staring into the waves. Your stomach has been making noises for over an hour. Oh! I laughed, embarrassed. And then he opened the basket and spread out the French loaf and cheese. There was pineapple and papaya, as well as a fruity wine.
I tore a hunk of bread and crumbled some cheese onto the plate he handed to me. And he watched as I ate.
I covered my mouth with my hand, Do you really have to watch me?
Yes, I definitely do.
I rolled my eyes and looked out over the water again. I heard him move slowly and turned with a puzzled look on my face. He held a piece of the fresh pineapple to my lips, and I said You aren�t going to eat I take it?
He smiled as he gently placed the fruit in my mouth. No I�m going to leave you in peace and go for a swim.
He kissed the spot between my temple and my ear and whispered, be right back love.
Hurry I said, but he was already diving into a wave.
Sunset came too soon, but James was back before the sun touched the horizon. He cleaned up the food and disappeared into the hut again. I got up to follow.
I stood in the doorway, unable to see in the dark interior. Cold fingers found my hand and he said Come here, I want to show you something else.
James I think you have shown me so much today, what else could I possibly need?
The chain that went around my neck was freezing. Tiny links of ice, only for a moment, before my body heated them up. I wanted to give you this he said I felt the cold pendant on my neck. He lit three candles on a low table, and I saw a fridge small stove, a breakfast table and two chairs, a double bed on the other side of the hut, with not much else, beside the low table along the wall beside the door. I suppose with the beach right outside your door, there isn�t much since in making room for anything but the necessities.
I touched the cold metal against my chest, Is there a mirror..? He led me into the room and closed the door, a mirror hung on the back. I stared at my windblown reflection. I tried running my hands through my hair out of habit, and stepped closer, my hands hung in my hair when I saw the pendant. It was some kind of gem, but it had been cut flat, like I had only a slice of the bigger stone. It was about a nickel in size, but it caught the candle light and reflected it in the middle. It was a blue, like the ocean, like James eyes.
Do you like it? He said quietly. Yes! I jumped into him and he caught me neatly, allowing the momentum to bring us to the bed.
Where did it come from. My mother he said. She gave it to me, because of my eyes.
His hands came up to my face, cradling it gently, as I sat on his lap. I circled his neck with my arms and tried to repress a shiver.
I have some bad news, quietly, here it comes I thought and pushed the brief flash of irritation at myself back.
I have to leave for a� time. A month at the earliest, and 6 at the longest.
It was like the air had suddenly been sucked from the little hut. I tugged him closer, sliding my arms as I tugged, until my hands were on either side of his neck. I stared at his face, trying to learn the smooth curve of his jaw, his forehead, and his eyes.. my right hand flitted to the necklace and I whispered, if I give this back can I keep you instead?
He laughed, and put his forehead against mine, no love, Im sorry, I truly am, this is terrible. But it can�t be helped. Where are you going, his jaw tightened a little before he could relax into a smile that looked easy, but I knew it wasn�t by the deep blue his eyes turned.
I have to.. take care of some things. I found out about it before I ah, bumped into you. His eyes glittered at the memory of his sly trick to get his invitation to the park in my pocket.
James, I said slowly, hating to force the mirth out of his eyes. What are you?
I am your protector, your monster that goes bump in the night. He smiled ruefully,
I can guess� Ive read a lot of science fiction and fantasy novels, and there was only one that really fit the description James had let me see.
A vampire, I whispered.
You should fear me he said softly I shook my head and traced my fingers along the side of his face dipping beside his eye and under his cheekbone, and under his chin. What do you protect me from?
Other vampires, he said simply
And now you are leaving to take care of some of them? James, My panic was starting to creep in What if you don�t come back?
Then you have a sweet memory of a monster and a pretty necklace. You will meet someone else, someone who wont ever hurt you or put you in danger, and you will marry him and live happily ever after. He wasn�t looking at me, but trying to turn his face away. Tight with emotion, despair, nothing his voice would have told me.
I got up, and tried to be graceful, fully knowing that I looked like an awkward teenager compared to his fluidity.
You�re a good liar I said, closing his open hand around the pendant. James, you will come back. And if you don�t, I will come looking for you. Maybe the other human girls you have seduced�
He cut off the beginning of my rant with his hands on my arms what did you say?
The other girls, you know,
No not that nonsense, did you just say you would come after me?
What would you do hm? If I disappeared, even with a warning that I was leaving. You would follow me, so I will follow you.
Don�t ever, do not, Elle do you hear me?
I understand you�re pissed about this and are about to make me promise to never ever come after you, But I am being serious. Look at my face James. Do you think I�m lying? Do you think Im sayig this to be romantic? I am not going to continue on with my grey existence if you don�t come back. I will give you 6 months to take care of this �business�. And after that I will find you.
Do you know what you are saying Elle?
I can�t live without you, I can�t go back to grey, James, I wont. You think I will fall in love with.. who? Frank? Tony? Some random guy on a bus? Are you kidding? How can I love any of them now that I�ve flown with you and looked in your eyes and touched your skin? There isn�t anywhere in the world that I want to be, unless you are there. This is not a fling, its not even summer!
I resisted the urge to put one hand on my hip and prod my finger into his marble chest. What good would throwing in a dramatic flair. I was a terrible actress, I couldn�t even lie convincingly. He will either believe me, or he wont.
His eyes closed briefly and he looked like he would destroy the hut. His jaw clenched, his muscles roiling from his neck down his arms, and relaxing in an instant. He got control of himself, and wrapped his arms around me. I will come back, Elle, and if something entirely unforeseen stalks me into the night and makes it impossible, I will send someone to get you.
My stomach turned to ice, who would possibly stalk a vampire? I skipped that terror inducing question and asked another one only half as frightening Who will you send?
His name is Leroy and he can read minds. Is he like you? Yes he is a vampire, and he is my best friend. We were made by the same ah, person. The sun�s set he rumbled. Time to get you home. Effectively stopping any further conversation by scooping me up and slamming the hut door behind him.
Three days later he introduced me to Leroy, and I got the impression that this new friend did not consider me anything but baggage. I was happy to see him toss the window of James` apartment open and lithly jump out, ten minutes after meeting me. I hoped that I would never have to see him again. It�s strange, though, how your perception of good and evil can change, good and bad and terrible and worse. I thought my biggest fear was James leaving.
A week later, I still wasn�t ready for the big goodbye. A nightmare haunted me, leaving me staring blankly at the ceiling, until I called him and hung up before he answered. I opened the window and almost immediately he was there. He folded me in his arms and I felt the tears building behind my eyelids. I turned the TV to a late night talkshow, to cover our voices if my parents woke up. The tv talked, the wind howled, and James tried to make me feel better.
You know what Im going to tell you?
I have to go, love, I have to keep you safe.
Are you going alone?
I can�t say.
Tell me again why you can�t protect me from within the city?
He sighed, the way I expected my father sighed when I was younger, sixteen maybe. Wanting to stay out all night, even though I was still a child.
Its easier to track in the country. Its easier to fight in the country. Its easier to hide from humans in the country. Do you want me to continue?
I want you to stay.
Not an option he said, I could feel his breath on the top of my head.
I�m marking this on the calendar, You�d better be back by the time I count off 6 months.
I want you to do something while Im gone�
what could I do? Puzzled.
Keep track of every thought that goes through that pretty head of yours.. I don�t want to miss any of it..
I grinned, do you want it in essay form or stream of consciousness?
Streams are better then structured paragraphs..
I can do that.. if you promise to come back quick.
he kissed me and I forgot that I had asked him to make a promise.
I fell asleep with him lying beside me, I woke up to an empty bed, but I distracted myself, I threw myself into my routine and got to work � hour early.
Then I threw myself into my work.
I continued for two weeks, calling friends and coworkers, going out and having fun, I joined three single girls clubs around the city and did volunteer work. I wore the necklace everyday, but I made an effort not to think of James at all, until I got home.
I wrote for an hour or so, every day, summing up my thoughts, random tidbits, rants and rages, always ending on a down note, because the common thread to every day was that he was not there. Every night was hard. I got in the habit of running for an hour after my writing. I would fall asleep in bed, exhausted. and wake up, and do it all voer again.
I started bringing work home on the weekends, so I could fill those two days as well. I got a promotion and a raise.
And then the fa�ade started to slip. Just a little, around the edges. Three months in it started with waking up in the night and not being able to sleep again for a few hours. Knowing I couldn�t call him. The real nightmares started around that time too. I thought that the scary dreams from childhood were nightmares. They were nothing compared to the terror-filled black visions I had now.
I finally went to the doctor. and he prescribed something pleasant. Until I started hallucinating.
Once I started unravelling, it carried on until I wasn�t going to work or out at all. I left the house until my parents went to work, and then I came back home and went back to bed. I laid there.
I stopped writing to James.
The last 30 days crawled by. At work I would jump every time my phone rang. I finally admitted to myself that there was a very good possibility I would have to spend some time with Leroy, not something I was looking forward to. The longer it took him to contact me, the worse my anxiety about going to him became. I conceded when I spilled an entire coffee onto my laptop�s keyboard. My coworker burst into a peal of unexpected laughter and I had practically leaped to my feet. I am losing my shit over someone laughing now, ok, that�s it. I don�t care if Leroy hates my guts, he�s going to help me.
I took extended leave from work, citing personal reasons. I was assessed by the company shrink, who recommended therapy, apparently he thought I had been abused and the feelings surrounding that were resurfacing just as I was finally getting the hang of being a �responsible adult�. My psych profile was in the company archives, it was terribly easy to break the encryption on it. I was suddenly thankful that I had stayed with this company for so long. Anytime I was given off of work with pay was a godsend.
I hadn`t heard from James, or Leroy. I was exactly one week away from my personal hell. I drove past Leroy�s apartment three times. Very sketchy neighbourhood. I couldn�t leave my car here. I started making a plan.
I told my parents that I would be backpacking through Europe. I made reservations with hostels and motels. With tourguides and spa retreats. I spoke to several travel agents with my parents within ear shot, so my Dad would believe that I was a responsible adult who wanted to see the world. For all I knew then, it was the closest thing to the truth I could say to them. Who knew if I wouldn�t actually be staring at the Eiffle Tower in a week or two? I had no idea where to start looking. Or how I would look for a vampire.
In my head I mapped my route to Leroy�s apartment, content to camp out until he got home. I packed a few things. Survival necessities. I planned to wear my sturdiest jeans, and layers. I decided against the all black, and went with grey and black instead. If I was skulking around at night, all black wouldn`t hide me anyway. I had no idea how to look for a vampire, or even where to start. I had to assume that I would make mistakes. I only hoped that Leroy was in the mood to help me.
I left around noon on the first day of After Six Months. My heart was a stone, I wasn�t even sure it was beating until I got to Leroy�s building. I got to his floor, and rounded the corner of the strange square building. A garden would have once been in the middle, but it had the look of being neglected for a very long time. I deliberately took a few breaths and counted to ten. I was terrified.
I stopped dead when I saw his door. It had been smashed in, splinters of wood littered the hallway. I felt despair creeping in, and then rage, How could I ever find James, if I couldn�t even contact Leroy?
I pushed what was left of the door and went in. A sparsely furnished apartment look to be overturned. papers and books littered the floor, pillows blankets and clothes.. I shut the � door behind me, or rather, I pushed it back to the position it was in before I touched it. I sincerely doubted that what was left of the door would latch.
I made my way carefully through the rooms, looking for any sign of recent life.
BANG, Cold arm circled my waist, the other around my shoulders, a voice hissed in my ear What are you doing here?
Let. Me. Go. My blood felt like molten lava, the stress and worry of the past months boiled over, and I was furious.
Leroy released me and I whirled around, my fists balled up at my sides.
Do you know what day it is? Did I look as crazy as I sounded?
He blinked at me a few times, but still managed to look utterly pissed.
Six months ago yesterday James went hunting. I said. Clenching my teeth together, forcing down the wailing tears that threatened to take control of my facilties.
He told you.. he said I would help.. Seemed the memory hadn`t taken much of his thought.
Have you heard from him?
No, nothing. Not a whisper. he lurched towards me, no that was just my human eyesight, I gasped as I was set on the couch. Don�t move, he ordered.
He blurred into action, cleaning up. In less then a minute the whole place looked like it should, except for the door. If I had moved off of the couch, there was no doubt he would have run into, and quite possibly through me.
What happened here?
I, uh, I lost my keys. He scowled.
They�re hanging by the door.. I said quietly. A key hook was right above the light switch that Leroy apparently did not use. What use was light, when you could see everything in the dark?
Hmm, thank-you.
Maybe, I should, uh, leave. If he couldn�t find his own damn keys, how the hell would he find James? I didn`t want to say it outloud.
I can�t take you with me like this. He said, completely ignoring my attempt at a goodbye.
Like what? I looked at my clothes, are they really that bad?
He surprised me with a laugh. It was alike a river bubbling along the rocks. I caught a glimmer of what attracted James to keep his company, lost on me before this moment.
I mean, in human form.
James said..
He�s lost, and will remain that way, if I have to constantly watch over you.
A knot formed in my throat, was this what James meant? I couldn�t think straight. I wanted it, strangely that wasn�t the part I was having trouble with. Immortality, head rush. But from Leroy? Didn�t he suggest to James that he should eat me and be done with it?
Ok hold on a sec, Just, just hold that thought.
I walked to the window and stared at the junkies on the corner. Where were the hookers? Wasn�t that clich� of every shady part of the city, and not so shady too, I guessed, although I knew the hookers on my block were moren discreet.
What are you afraid of?
You. I said, Forgetting to be polite, forgetting that I was asking for help, forgetting everything but the ice in my core. It was spreading. I was terrified. And I was going numb.
Leroy disappeared into what I assumed was the bedroom. He reappeared almost instantly, with an envelope in his hand, the size of a postcard.
He slowed as he came within two feet and reached the envelope out to me.
He wanted you to have this, Im sorry, I should have given it to you right away.
It wasn�t sealed. I pilled out a single piece of paper, that had been folded perfectly in half. I opened it with trembling hands, trying to will them to be still. It was James� writing.
Please, Dear Love,
Trust Leroy, I know it is hard. I know you don�t like him. But you can trust him. He�s going to ask you do to something horrible, and in order to protect your pretty self, Im encouraging you to take him up on his offer.
I know this isn`t something we talked about, and I never wanted for you to have to go through alone, and I wish, with all my heart, that I could be there, to hold your hand and kiss away your tears and make you feel, normal.
Please know, dear one, that I do not say this lightly, and I have only written this because Leroy had a dream, in which he gave something like this to you. I cant imagine what could happen to keep me from you. Whatever mess Ive gotten you into, I promise I will fix it. For now, trust Leroy, and I trust I will see you soon.
Forever Yours,
James.
I folded the paper , and stuck it back in the envelope, my name scrawled in his beautiful ornate handwriting across the front, I folded it, effectively tucking my name from view and stuffed it into my jean�s pocket.
So, Leroy, how exactly does this work?
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I've got a couple issues with continuity, I'm still getting to know the characters. I havent decided how much of an ass Leroy's going to be, or whether he's just going to go all saintly..
debating over how cliche to make this.. thats why I got $160 worth of vampire books, to get a feeling for what other author's are doing in the different worlds..
OH I also read some of the Cal and Niko brother's series, i cant remember their last name right now.. but apparently I started with the FOURTH g'damn book.
I have this really lofty goal of reading all of the vampire novels and making a spreadsheet of all the worlds and what kind of powers/abilities vampires have in each.. isn't that a terribly odd goal for a nurse to have?
And I didn't realise this until patrick pointed it out, Cormac McCarthy doesnt use punctuation either!!! and he's a pulitzer prize winner...
Not that I won't use punctuation, but its just nice to know that someone else might hate it as much as I do/did.
I can't imagine sending anything to a potential agent that wasn't perfect tho, so yeah. I will be adding punctuation.
I already have 6,000 words. effed up man. I really wish I didnt have to sleep, but I hope I dream in my sleep for some more inspiration.
Ok this entry is huge, ..
