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9:54 p.m. - 2009-05-08
remembering where i used to be
So the one person I want to get away from I cant seem to make him GET THE HINT, nor can I tell him flat out, he doesnt believe that either.. he tries to guilt me with LOVE I DONT FUCKING FEEL..

"You know, I am almost to the point where I think there's another reason why you dont want to move in with me."

I fucking told you I DONT LOVE YOU, Ive been trying for a YEAR AND A HALF to love you and ITS NOT COMING BACK..

So now whenever we're together, he calls me bitter, and bitchy, and tired, and boring..

HELLO, Im not trying anymore.. this person you see? This is the REAL ME, and I dont fucking love you.. so nope Im not putting up with a goddamn speck of your bullshit..

Im terrified to tell him Im not going to school (I havent technically made up my mind about that, because, well, it fucking sucks, because either Ive got an ectopic pregnancy to deal with, or a healthy baby and either way.. i dunno..)

I just DONT want to have this conversation for the rest of my twenties.. Live with me, NO, You are scarring our children for life you bitch.. shutupshutupshutup..

And theres a rock, grey and cold, where my heart should be..

and I hate it.. I cant get rid of HIM but somehow Ive lost every other goddamn guy I ever loved.. and thought I could count on.. without even trying I lost them..

and I miss you. GOD, I miss you so much.. I wish I didnt have a kid and I wish I wasnt pregnant and I wish I would have just stayed in that shitty apartment.. because then we would still talk and I would still see you sometimes through my fog of paranoia..

because maybe I would know something right now. maybe you would have told me yourself and maybe I would be able to cry and be really proud of you at the same time..

I could tell you i love you.. and tell you i miss you and you could take me seriously.. i could tell you that I think about you a fucking lot more then i should.. and always have.. in Hamilton.. in StMarys In Milverton, in that shitty one bedroom and then the shitty two bedroom apartment on campbell..

I think about you a lot more then anyone else that ive lost or thrown away..

fuckfuckfuck.. i promised myself i wouldnt cry over this anymore..

i wish i could ask you if I can send you letters while your gone, or before, right now today i wish i could write to you.. i wish i knew if that would be a good thing, or if it would piss you off.. if you would read them or just throw them away..

heh you know every thought that has stopped me from writing you an email or msn message or anything at all.. i dont want to cling to something when you dont.. not that you ever clinged to me, but i like to think that it was give and take..

I wish I remembered how to push this down.. I wish I had you to talk to about this.. I wish you could calm me down.. tell me im not insane.. tell me im still a good person.. a good friend..

maybe i dreamt it, and maybe it was never as strong, and maybe the things i thought you meant.. it probably was all in my head.. but.. all the memories i have.. now that i sit here and they spill out.. i really cant see how i imagined all of this..

k im forcing myself to step away otherwise im going to go through an email folder with your name on it.. and then i'll end up writing an email that will be totally stupid and pitiful. and will probably be sent to the wrong address..

so i'll just sit here, like a good little angel.. and remember all the things i can't push back..

Im glad i took down emperorincxt.. cuz this way, i can just tell myself i imagined it, regardless of what meghan tells me tonight while im (hopefully) sleeping.. this way i dont sit here all night and relive years, i dont even know how many now.. after the day you stole my eraser in English class.. the christmas eve you spent at my house adn i was a pretty terrible host..

You always complained I was too cryptic in these entries, so there you go Ceej, this terribly emo rant is in honour of you. although i use the word honour loosely, because even i know im pretty close to losing my shit here. Sorry bout that.. really. I have a lot of happy memories, and they just suck right now.. because this is my entire life, trying to pretend that Im happier now then Ive ever been, when the truth is Im fucking miserable, i have a really hard time remembering myself.. and i ahvent got a shred of anythng left.. so i remember and pretend i have something in common with the person i used to be.

OK enough. You all already know im insane, 'specially you Ceej. Ugh, Im going to bed. and hopefully i will forget i wrote this, so theres a slight chance it will get where its going. typical for my style it will likely get there through meghan...



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