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7:36 p.m. - 2009-07-03
digging deeper just to throw it away
Counselling.. or at least my little experience with it, is all about what you want to put into it. I put barely anything into it, mostly just fed into what the therapist wanted to hear and got free lessons on art therapy... which I used for a while and THAT fucking works.. for me anyways.. too bad I dont draw or paint or anything anymore..

So I want to write you something every day, but I knwo Im just thinknig about you and your situation so I dnot have to think about mine.. im typing in tghe almost dark so sorry about the typos im too lazy to turn a light on to fix..

so i dont write everyday but i think about you every day and I know you will get through this and work it out.. you're good at that sort of thing even if you think you are not.. at least you are better then I at getting your point across, and making it stick. Or maybe my person just doesnt fucking listen..

Have I mentioned that someone is behind on child support? $100 for May. $200 for June. Supposedly he's giving me $150 tonight. Good fucking thing I dont actually RELY on this money, you know, to feed and cloth OUR child.. fucker.

So last week when he told me he wasnt giving me any money until this week I said Yeah, and he said you sound like you expected that. Well, yeah. What else am I supposed to think? Everytime you say Oh this will let me pay you MORE, woo. (Ex. Sept Bankruptcy claim, three pays in January, June discharge date, ETC) It never happens. So no, Im not surprised that you arent paying me, again.

Ugh I so have nothing left in my heart for this asshole. He keeps saying Im bitter. Um yeah? No shit? What were you expecting exactly? I get pregnant again and I suddenly turn into a fucking housewife?!

Not for you I dont, thats for sure.

Im listening to Linkin Park.. I HATE WINDOWS VISTA I cant figure out how to add any music and once I figured out a way to sort of do it the fucking thing wont play my music because its the 'wrong fiel type' ITunes has no problem.. what the fuck?? stupid microsoft..

I was listening to BLindisde, until I realised that ALL of that music reminds me of Brunswick street, and despite being totally suicidal and insane I really miss that lonely little apartment. At least I had friends then, even if I didnt know it at the time.

So terrible, but I didnt take a single moment for granted, yet this heaviness in my heart when I think about it makes me think that maybe I did take it for granted, but I really dont know how I could have when I spent 95% of that time looking at all of my friends and soaking in their laughter and stupidity and drunkenness and immaturity and awesomeness...

Why do I feel like I didnt soak up enough? prolyl because I feel soo old and mature and responsible now.. Im never going to go to school and be at college on my own. Im never going to get that chance to reinvent myself.. my college days were spent alone in a shithole apartment... talking through the night to other people who went to school, or suicidal boys..

I regret not going to Seattle.. I really regret that.. Have I said that enough yet.. Im crying now. fuck.

soo much for this July being a WriMo.. I can hardly get out of bed at 7 in order to shower, it takes me 5 days to get two loads of laundry done.. im so fucking TIRED.. ugh..

k i gotta go get something done, so I can stop crying and sort myself out before mom gets back..



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