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9:49 a.m. - 2010-07-14
I suddenly have memories of a boy from high school, Cory? I forget what his name is exactly (thanks to two babies, which stole 2/3 of my brain) Anyway the point, which I think Ive written about before but who cares its my sad memory of today...

He used to write spoken word pieces, raps almost, except he spoke them in our class with Selbie (english? religion? I forget taht too) But he would show me first, and get me to read it and if I liked it he would read it in front of the class.

I remember wanting to ask him fro a copy of what he had written but being too chicken shit to ask him (or maybe I did, and then later saw him at the bar and went back to my apartment and ripped it up.. who knows I was crazy when I lived alone on Brunswick OR maybe its buried in the boxes of Important Papers)

The point is that this intelligent thoughtful person was hidden inside this teenage kid DESPERATELY trying to be 'cool'. He had brown skin and was trying really hard to be 'black' too..

I am still fucking amazed at that memory.. him and I CONNECTED through our writing.. me in my seventeen year old crazy state where I wished the world would end every day so I wouldnt have to walk around feeling empty..

But I had these connections with people.. and this guy is the one I remember.. him and Scott.. maybe because I had these mental breakdowns with the girls all the fucking time.. maybe thats why I dont remember.. or maybe its because these guys didnt need me to prop them abck up.. to give them a smile to paste on their face to make it through the next class when their hearts were breaking..

I dont know.. I miss high school terribly..

So Im excited.. because we;re moving in a little more than a week and I will have my own place.. even though its terrifying to be living on my own with two kids.. I think the fear comes from knowing how crazy I got living by myself on Brunswick.. but Im not alone this time. I have two kids that will drive me mental every day..

Oh and I probably wont be looking for work anytime soon.. Im going to apply to the Second Career Program.. they might pay childcare for three years plus pay me EI plus pay for upgrading PLUS two years of post secondary... So now Im hoping to get permenantly laid off from Scotia.. so I can apply for this Second Career thing... and I know someone who works for the Gov't.. a extended family member on my exstep-moms side.. so she's not really a family member at all so she can help me.. like woah.

Considering I have the outline for two novels in my head.. Im content with being a Med clerk, and writing. Writing makes me EXCITED, and if I work at it for ten years I will get good. and if I get good, I can get an agent and if I get an agent I can get published..

Dude, Im so fucking excited to turn 36 now!!

But first, I have to get through this weekend without killing Patrick. And get through the move next week.




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