9:59 a.m. - 2010-08-27
I have to do my budget everyday. Look at it atleast. Try not to spend a penny on anything. Its fucking hard when Im getting pissed off at my kids and want them to be at the sitters five days a week.. and when I keep NEEDING things.. like books, and music.. just to drown out the buzzing in my head..
For about ten seconds last night I felt like an adult. The first fucking time Ive felt like that since Dorian was born. Like I was in complete control and could handle everything..
Guess thats why i love YA books eh? Im still goddamn 16 inside here and I cant fucking seem to grow up.
I just want to put my head down and blend in. Be ignored. Have no one in the world rely on me for anything, not even a smile or a hello. Because it seems that everything ends up hurting too goddamn much.
Its hard to sit in here and look at the housework I could be doing, or thinking about the books I should be writing..
When I got the call that told me I was going back to the bank, that they had regularized me.. it was sheer relief that flooded through me.
Apparently Patrick was right. I don't want to be happy. I want to work somewhere that steals my soul with every breath, every phone call, every email, every meeting..
my skin gets all itchy thinking about it. thinking about standing in the smokers pitn again, seeing all of those faces that are lifers and have NOTHING, not a spark of anything in there..
dead and dying..
Im placating myself, my coping mech is food. Im fucking disgusting and I really hate it. Im forcing my self to look in the mirror, to pay attention to the noises the floor makes when I walk, to pay attention to the print of my ass on teh couch.. Im trying to keep those things in my head when Im in thegrocery store or when Im looking for things to make for supper..
I have to have $1000 by Oct 4th. Thats when the lawyer comes back to the office.. Im gritting my teeth because it looks damn near IMPOSSIBLE on paper.. and Im a really creative accountant.. Down to the penny..
So that means I cant buy any more books or music.. because I dont have ten or twenty dollars to cover it and there is NO cushion.. Im not paying my visa or the stupid student loan.. Im wathcing how often I can go to the food bank, HoB actually has fresh food now, and sometimes I can get Julianne to eat..
I have no cushion for when she's at school.
So I'm going to measure one portion of food and cook it, and feed Julianne first. And I'm going to write when I'm hungry. Or when my brain thinks I'm hungry, or when Im just freaking out and I want to drink until I blackout. Why can't I deal with where I am now?
I would probably be an alcoholic if I didn't have kids. But if I didn't have kids it wouldn't be so stressful.
THe thing I keep thinking that tears me apart, and makes me wonder if I know who I am, is,
I never ever wanted to be here.
Im stuck inside my own head wayy too much. I cant stand talking to Julianne all the time. 24 hours. I live for the few moments when I see my mom.. the best days are when I drop her off at work and pick her up when shes done..
Yeah I drove to Kitch and watched a movie. why? because I have no motivtion to be a parent or a responsible home owner.. Im so damn fucking goddamned tired all the time it takes a herculean effort to get anything done or to go anywhere. and I cant go anywhere, because I spend money or I think Im hungry and I buy junk food and then look at it in the car and realize Im not really hungry but I eat it anyways because I just spent money on it.
Im pretty sure thats why The Summoning (by kelley armstrong) spoke to me, because the main char struggles with that.. but she isnt crazy, just supernatural.
ughhh. okay, back to creative accounting, just to see how much money I really don't have. And maybe make money for cigarettes.. something! Im going to kill myself going this way.. the last time I dared the piece of shit scale I was heavier than I have ever EVER been.. even when PREGNANT for gods sake.. but it might have been the scale... I dont know.. Im terrified to look again.