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9:34 p.m. - 2010-09-26
He kissed me last night. Once on the cheek and once on the lips. He might still be a terrible kisser, but he was drunk, so I will ignore it and assume that it was the drunk kissing me so sloppily and not him.

I can't stop drinking coffee today. And being bitter. Oh so bitter. I think Ive come to this conclusion before but its a combination of the weed smoking constantly thing, and the fact that they BOTH chose him over me. Koert, she has been living in the area for a while.... I dont know how long.. and it just fucking hurts, which of course reminds me of all the most recent (past three years) hurts caused by my friends, the ones that never ever ask me how I am, or ask me for my point of view.. the ones that replaced me with Patrick.

Since it is very unlikely that my first novel will be published (as in, I could get hit by lightening about 1000 times before it happens) maybe I should just make a huge cast of characters and kill them all off in a different way..

Too bad I'm not angry about it, just hurt and hurt and hurt. Killing them off in character form would just be a lot of work and would leave me in the same place. A place I motherfucking hate to be. And I dont want to go to this stupid wedding, because its only going to hurt more. But my brother and my dad have been invited.

UGH, the best part of last night was Nash realizing that we both have two kids, and that our eldest children are both girls and that they are only a year apart.

Isnt that fucking weird.. I remember being at Mclachlins superbowl party and thinking that Nash and D were INSANE to have a baby and a year later I was pregnant...

Is it horrible of me to want to be stoned or drunk all of the time? Natural reaction to the 16yrold type feelings that have sprung up today i guess..

the drinks last night went down like water.. koert bought me one.. i couldnt return the favour of course.. i dont know.. I DONT KNOW.. would I be friends with her again?

Right now, yes. Right now I would be friends with Emily again if she promised to prop me up once a week.

Im too tied up in my own brain. I think this little blip today was caused a little by last night and a LOT by going through a memory box from holy name grade school years... and remembering how many indispensible friends I had in those four years and then in the four that followed.. oh highschool. i dont think i'll ever get over you..

I wonder how many people I will talk to, once Ive been out of school for 16 years...

I have an invite to Ashleys 14th bday party. I have a card from Tali and its signed Natalie.

I know why i cant get rid of this stuff. Because I have nothing now to replace all of those things. I mean, I have people, of course and I love them. But I can't lean on any of them. I don't have my other half. Amanda's across the country, and Meghan is too far away too. And I feel like a heel even writing somewhere where it could be read.. I dont mean to make anyone feel guilty..
CJ is in the sandbox and even if he wasnt, i fucked that up a long time ago. Alex.. Im pretty sure I was just an annoyance, all the way along. but its sunday night, and I should be sitting behind him, watching him play warcraft until 1030pm and then giving him a hug and going home alone to my dirty unorganized apartment. Because that was my own personal hell. But you know? This is worse. I can't hide. I have to get up. I have to. I'm getting the deathwish back and it has no clear picture this time. Although I did come up with something while I was doing the dishes and I dont even want to talk about it.

I'm a family anihilator (or could be, if I was weaker). I'm a writer. I've got a part that wants to write and a part that DOES NOT want me to write EVER.

Do crazy people know they are crazy?

I really hope I can sleep this feeling off. I really hope Dorian is better tomorrow. I really hope Julianne's hair behaves tomorrow for picture day.

Im going to start at my feet. And take the bits of ground, and start sewing them together, with thread made of braided ducttape. And I really hope I can close this abyss pulling me in and whispering my name. The breeze is hot and I'm afraid of falling forever.



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