11:44 p.m. - 2010-10-03
september won't you bring me some rain again
Everytime I sign anything I have amoment of WTF I am so not old enough, experienced enough, ANYTHING to be signing this stuff...
Makes me really REALLY afraid of failing my kids... like how am I supposed to help with homework? I can't even remember to get her to brush her teeth.. How do I explain God? now that she's enrolled in public school, how do I teach her about faith? How do I convince her that it's okay if her only friend at school didnt want to sit beside her today? How do I do the laundry in the wintertime?
I understand now why my Dad was so militant in our routines when he was singleparenting.. its goddamn terrifying not to have anyone else there to catch the bits you miss.. and terrifying to think of all the things you might be missing and not know it until someone at school or on the street points it out..
I suppose that's the main reason I've been losing it around the edges.. I'm still about 17 in my head and goddamn if I have to do this, and take care of everything!
I need about a thousand things to make this living on my own with kids work.. for example, there are spiders everyfuckingwhere. This house is on some kind of huge nest.. or so my imagination has decided. If I don't sweep my stairs EVERY DAY there are four or five spiderwebs on them.. like in the corners of the stairs.. and I need a flyswatter. And a vacuum. And book cases. And And And
I have less than 50 days until I go back to work.. and OMG there are so many thigns I want done before then...
I just, I don't know. I want to disappear.. just not live my life for a while. I get so frustrated.. He won't sleep tonight and keeps crying and crying.. She keeps waking up and telling me she can't sleep in her bed.. how can I make her sleep there when she says it gives her nightmares?
I get the laundry almost caught up and she wets the bed.. and all of her blankets are somehow soaked too..
I actually have a shower and get dressed, only to get puked on.. and have to change again.
Parenting is a lesson in futility. I just don't know how to learn the lesson. So i disappear into the world thats inside my head and spend time with someone who's half demon and not dealing well with finding that out. Because that's easier than being here right now listening to a baby scream when I can't hold him all night.. and thats the only way he stays asleep.
