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11:19 p.m. - 2010-10-17
it sneaks up on you
so i come here to spew some ugly things that keep running around in my head and then I get reading everyone else and forget why I came here to begin with.. BUT im here now again and although I should be sleeping, fuck it, this has to come out, or I will harbour it for another billion years.

He stole BOTH my best friends. And now one of them has his last name. ugh ugh ugh.

Antoinette thinks my perfectionismness is fucking up my entire life and making me crazy. Ya know, I think she might be on to something.. I have noticed in the past few weeks that a LOT of my spiral into that dark abyss I've been narrowly avoiding lately is caused by my need for things to be perfect or at least look perfect...

So I had these two best friends and I moved in with them and it was going to be soooo awwwwwwesome in a box !! and it turned horrible. For me. And only me. So I left. and neither of these besties ever called or anything, they just got hiiiigh and had fuuuuun..

And they still get high all the time. and she got married last night and I barely hung on. I had one cooler, so I could cheers the bride and pretend that we shared something special in grade seven when we used to share that specific cooler and get giggly together in a tent and stay up all night..

IF I had a date, and IF I had a best friend and IF I had any kind of life that was comparable to the two of them maybe it would be okay and be repaired and things but ..

as it is, I could barely take a drunk Koert telling me how wonderful I am and how she's so proud of me for getting a lawyer and telling me all of these things about how I dont deserve to be treated like that.. yeah.. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THE LAST THREE YEARS? oh yeah living with your parents, and Tali never ever mentioned that you moved back from Toronto, so.. do you hate me really and you were just drunk? Do you think I hate you? Was the bachlorette party something Tali obsessed over because we would both be there?

I thought you were my friend. So much time spent spilling my guts to you.. for what reason? so you could get mad at me when I wouldnt tell you how far I had gone with a guy, and not talk to me until the day I moved out? and you were stoned, do you even remember? I cried myself to sleep, I cut myself in the fucking shower... you walked in on blood and me naked and you ignored it..

I still fucking hate him for ruining my life. Because I couldn't forgive the fact that he stole my goddamned best friend and got her high and kept her high for so long that by the time she realized I was fucking GONE it was years later...

Im bitter. Of course. Because they were supposed to ALWAYS be on my side.. and they weren't. a boy that could get weed anytime became better then me...

He was supposed to break her heart, they werent supposed to get MARRIED. fuck. Pregnant sure, but not married.

Of course thats exactly what happened to me, I got pregnant and then the broken heart, so I guess wishing it would happen to tali caused my karma to skew so that I manifested it in my own life.

Wow, that's really sad. hope this doesnt leak out all over my kids. I really hope I dont guilt them over anything and can let them live their own lives, even if its far away.

Maybe I should have fought? yelled and screamed? Instead of having 'intense conversation' and crying with Tali? More and more Im wondering if maybe I had yelled and screamed a bit more maybe I wouldnt be so alone now.

I wish I could be truly happy for everyone that got married this year, but its just so far away from where I am I can't hardly look at the pictures..

A asked me if I think about dating. Of course I do. I think about Gen dating a vampire. My love life is my characters. A vampire that has disappeared, a halfdemon girl, and an incubus. Oh and a warlock, but he might be gay, although that might be more dramarama in the end.
I can't even hope for anything else until I get rid of this bitter black heart Ive shriveled in my chest.

I miss my friends. AND I know I blame them a lot, but FUCK. I miss being social. A looked so sad when I said I have no friends here and Kris is moving away in June. So sad. and I almost cried then too. But I wasnt on my monthlies yesterday, so I wasnt soggy like I am today..

I wish I had a phone that had unlimited texting. Maybe if I forced my way into peoples lives they wouldnt forget that I exist. I wish I wasnt horrible on the phone so I could call someone to talk once in a fucking blue moon and have it be normal and not horribly awkward.

I just went down to get more 'kleenexes' (toilet paper for us poor folks) and noticed I left Julianne's lunch on the counter. Im really glad I went down, because that would NOT have beena good start to the morning tomorrow.

The mascara I put on yesterday for tali's wedding is running down my face.

I missed all the speeches. I wasn't invited to dinner, so I waited until a little after 8 to go to the reception, because I didnt want to walk in while they were still eating so I went just after the reception was supposed to start. Apparently both Tali and Koert were looking for me before then. Well. ya know. I wasnt goddamned invited before then! and I would have loved to hear Laura's speech, and tali's parents..

yeah. oh well. Im vowing right now, to throw out allllllll of my grade school and high school shit, except the pictures, and I;m only keeping happy pictures, along with a box of Lindsay ones. and they will go into photo albums as I find them and then into a box, and maybe at the ten year mark I can go through and toss the pcitures then.

Maybe the best years of my life wont be 99-02 by the time ten years has passed..

I hope when Kris moves taht I dont loose my mind... I met up with Kris and Dave after I left the reception. And I could finally breathe around them.

I have to read, and then sleep. Fucking mondays.



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