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11:31 p.m. - 2010-10-19
so i forgot that nikki doesn't confide in me... i wrecked that in highschool when I leaned on her.. and I always fucking forget that when I wonder why she doesnt really talk to me..

Did you know that she made an email address specifically to get me to open up to someone... yeah. that was before I wrote on dland..
she started emailing me, and I got frustrated and ended up telling her a bunch of things (I think most of them are written here tho, after I got it untangled, she just got a big ball of confusion and hurt feelings flung at her)

anyway, she's never leaned on me after that.. and I regret a lot of things in my life, but that is one I regret the most. I should never ever have told her anything.. but she was right of course, she's always right. I needed someone to talk to, and I used her. Just because she was convenient, and because she was pissing me off by keeping secrets. But she couldnt handle it.

See thats the thing I love the most most most about you. You know everything, all of my secrets and you are still the same with me, you don't judge me (or if you do, you keep it to yourself, which is good, because we both know I can't deal with that kind of thing very well. um actually I can't deal with it at all), we can still get drunk together and all it means is that you know exactly what Im talking about when I go off on something..

I'm really glad I have you in my life.

I havent written anything in a week.. the chars are scrrrreaming in my head but I can't take the time. The story isnt ready and I know it sounds fucking stupid but my muse is shaking his head at me. Don't bother, honestly darling. Its not done cooking. Go read some more of the godawful YA fantasy you got.

Okay its not awful. It's just horribly HORRIBLY omniscient ... I can't stand it. Every time I hit a new paragraph I brace myself for the shock of hitting someone elses brain or WORSE no one's brain at all just this godly voice telling me what none of the chars could possibly know...

ugh. I know Croggon is supposed to be 'translating' this series from a text of some fantasy language.. but really. It just sounds SLOPPY and LAZY. And considering Ive only just learned about this stuff.. Im picking up on it pretty quick. Or maybe Ive been really blessed and have only picked up superb authors when Ive bombed around the fantasy books in stores..

the library is frustrating though. It has Fiction. No subgenres. Just walls and walls of Fiction. so how the hell am I supposed to find urban fantasy in all of that? So I switched to YA.. because I really cant get enough of teen angst.. Discovered I have a HARD time caring about a char if they refuse to care abotu anyone else.. Holly Black's White Cat Black Curse was almost a turn off, but the kid redeemed himself at the end when he admitted he had a few friends.. but he was part of a Mobtype family so I forgive him.
Oh and his mom is SUPER fucked up..

I have a book for you.. Its hardcover tho, so I will wait until Christmas to mail it. why? Because some how I thnk Im going to be overflowing with money at christmas. I dont know why I have this in my head. So really ignore me, I will mail it when my tax return comes in.. cuz then I KNOW I will have some to get this book to you.

It sorta like poetry in full book form. And its got werewolves. And it can literally make you feel cold. I'm thinking of sending Holly the other one. I think she'll like it...(and it will give her a new series now that she's finished twilight)

I should go to bed. kiddos havent stirred yet, so I might get five straight hours. maaaaaybe.

thats the part that SUCKS, more than being stuck here all day, more than having to cook all the time, more than the mountains of laundry. I don't know when the last time I had eight hours in a row was. and forget anything more than that.

I think thats the part I'm most excited about with this whole court thing (I signed papers today) I might maybe possibly perhaps get a night or two a month to MYSELF. Holy fuck! Of course, then I prolly wont be able to sleep. or I will do this and stay up too late composing a seriously long winded post here.

i cant stop listening to its always open and playing on my comp now. I dont even bother with itunes...



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