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10:21 a.m. - 2010-12-04

Dec 1 - Remembering:

5 years ago today I was living in Hamilton. I worked fulltime at Tim Hortons. I paid room and board at a tiny shared space that was FILTHY, really. But I was hardly there, so I didn't care. The plant Alex's mom gave me was in the process of dying a horrible thirsty death. I had nothing and no one in my life except for Patrick 24/7. I was really really lonely, because he had seven other people living with him, and was going out drinking alllll the time, and would call me at 4am, when I got up to go to work, and he would be drunk.

He called me a lot, and called me the wrong name a lot. about 90% of the calls I got he thought he was calling the girl from AB... Carolyn.

Should have been a goddamned sign, doncha think?

Anyways, I thought I was miserable and lonely and all I did was watch TV while Patrick did things, homework and drinking with his housemates. I spent a LOT of time sitting on the front porch steps smoking.. ebacuse patrick was too drunk to notice when I smelled like smoke..

I made all our meals (when we didnt order in) and did all the dishes for his housemates, cleaned the frig and the microwave.. saved the house from burning down a couple times, because his housemates would put something in the oven at 3am, and pass out, so it would be burnt and on fire in the oven whe n I came down at 4am to go to work....

I thought that was what happiness was.. sacrificing EVERYTHING, every decision, to make someone else happy, his happiness was my happiness. and he was happy a lot, because he was drunk, and I was paying his bills...

yeah. wow. Dear 21 year old Beth, YOU WERE AN IDIOT.

I don't want to remember the intervening five years, between that Dec 2005, and now. There was a lot of shit. a lot lot LOT of shit. and I don't want to rehash it... so on to the next thing:

Dec 2: Organizing:

if you don’t know what to do,
do the next thing. water
the plants. cut the crusts of old bread
for the birds and feed the fruit
rinds to the garden. empty
the grounds from this morning’s
coffee and tuck them in
with the hydrangeas, prepare
them for winter. let their black sleep
give way to blooms of springtime blue.
open the windows. unsettle
the dust on the sills and in the corners
so there will be space for new air.
let the rooms have room
to breathe, to be filled again
to the brim. there is much we can do
when we don’t know what to do.
remember there is strength
even in standing still. let the world
do what it will all around you.
let the history of what was –
the old molecules of skin, hair and bone –
fill you up. let them become you.
you will carry them with you,
wherever you go, whenever
you are ready.

-fall cleaning by laura burhenn

Dec 3: Writing:

Search for a special place to keep your writing materials. Have everything you need at the ready for creating your own beautiful magical words to offer the world.
* cards and stationery * a journal * stamps * special colored pens * beautiful paper * stickers * glitter glue * magazine pages for collages * patterned tapes *

I want to start writing letters. I think I'm going to start writing to CJ.. and others.. Did I ever tell you that was part of why I was soooo into COR for that bit? One of the things was writing a letter to someone who has hurt you, telling them you forgive them.. I wrote to Josh, I have NO idea what the letter said and since I wrote it at COR, he prolly didnt even read it (cult that it is/was) ahem.

BUT I let go of that hurt and TRULY forgave him, even tho he didnt actually apologize for breaking me heart until outside his place when he was living with Dave.. god that was an intense conversation in my car..

You know, I prolyl have said this before, but just incase I havent, Im hung up on Josh because he paid ATTENTION. Woah, kind of attention. Stalkerish kind of attention. It was FUCKING amazing, well it IS amazing, when he has time for me, which hasnt happened since he met that girl he brough to your party last year BUT yeah, that's what made me so so so addicted to him.. and why I still keep all that crap from the summer we dated..

And that car conversation I admitted to him that I couldnt give 100% in our friendship because he was the best Ive ever had, and until I had another boyfriend, I couldnt, he was still the only bit in my life that fucking intense.

And apparently Patrick doesnt count, maybe because he never really paid attention to me, ever.

SO. uh. yeah, letter writing. Maybe if I start writing letters to ashley and to lacey and to other people that I really fucking miss, maybe that will help me LET GO of the social side.. or something. I dunno.

Maybe it will just cost me an assload in stamps.

Dec 4: Forgiveness:

"“You must realize that everyone is doing the best they can from their own state of consciousness.” -Deepak Chopra"

Forgiveness does not mean “waiting to forget.” _______________________________________

practice this affirmation:
I forgive myself.
I forgive everyone.
I am totally free.

----I'm not ready for this today.. but I am going to think about it.. I think Im pretty close to forgiving.. but I still have a lot of shit built up underneath that.. k so pause on that one..

Im going to try to get back to that blog, cuz I like it.. I just wish it was weekly istead of daily. but whatevs I can go back to the month link when I think about it..



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