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11:41 p.m. - 2010-12-05
forgiveness pt deux
thankyou, sidewaysrain (diary link on my profile) for summing up the forgiveness issue I was having:

"Say you have someone in your life who you love and you think loves you back. You realize that they are that creative, entertaining, fun person, but more importantly, also a narcissistic, manipulative, self-serving asshole. You grow to understand you have been creating a role for yourself to keep this person in your life: to placate them, make them feel good, get through this until they are in a place where they can start giving back to you. Sound familiar? We all do this. Stop doing it. Then forgive the person, because they probably truly are wounded or incapable or mentally ill, or whatever excuse you have been making for them. Then never allow them back into your life.

Yeah, that one. Not sure if I can forgive, even after reading it put so succinctly. I dunno man, five years is a long time. I might have to hang on to this for a bit. BUT I feel better than I did when I was smoking beside my moms car, and hyperventilating, because I was sooo in doubt of what I had decided.. so yeah. I chain smoked, and listened to In The End (Energy never dies, there is no ending, only a beginning, etc)

I think the kicker part, the part that well and truly fucked me, is the part that goes:
"get through this until they are in a place where they can start giving back to you."
Thats the part that I screwed up, because he is never going to do that. Patrick doesn't work that way. With anyone in his life, so why did I expect that I would be different?

And the answer of couse is I honestly don't know.

I think the only thing I can take away from this is to KNOW that life is not like Beauty and the Beast.
Boys do not go from being Assholes, with bad tempers, to being hopelessly in love with you and willing to give up everything they want to make you happy..

I know that now. And I may very well be alone for the next ten years while I mend this hole where my heart was, and maybe after that I'll be able to trust a word that comes out of the persons mouth that spells E-V-O-L, you know, backwards. (love is evil, I'll show ya) yeah, more Eminem. Seriously, he's excellent when he's not highhhh. And I don't know when he BREATHES when he gets going.. I think maybe he has gills on his neck.. or his feet, and he stands in to buckets of water while recording...



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