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3:55 p.m. - 2011-01-01
sometimes I can hear God in your voice
my head hurts. Just dehydration and sleepiness though, not really a hangover. Ive only been drinking coffee and coke for the past few days, and last night I fell asleep on the couch at 130am, and three people were playing Wii on the couch beside me, and the tv was closest to my head....

I didnt wake up until 6:45am. And then it was to FM96 and the livingroom light was still on, everyone else was gone tho.

Ive lost the ability to be aware of my surroundings even when I'm asleep. I no longer wake up for the bumps in the night. Im starting to sleep through everything, even screaming children

That's so not good.

anyways, the night:

Drank two drinks (about five shots in those drinks tho) while playing games at the Stams, at 10pm Dave and I drove out to Tias' and I felt that funny flip in my stomach before I got into the car, but at least this time I KNOW he was sober enough to drive. Not like the other times when I definately ignored the fact that he wasn't...

Yeah, so, got out there CJ was almost asleep and I made him get up so I could give him your hug, and nikki's hug.. and then he said "What about you?" So I hugged him again.

I forgot how tall he is (little more than me) and I forgot how the army made him into a man of steel and cushions, rather then the wiry scaffold guy I knew in highschool... Its like the building is finished now..

I'm most definitely still an 'eye girl'..

I dont want to think about that though, no really, not at all. (stop it)

Vanessa is sweet, and we talked about Christmas and school and I said the same dumb things and I really hope I can get some kind of an education soon.. Id really like to be her friend, but my confidence needs a boost from the outside world before I'll be able to truly hold my own with her..

we talked about books too. and this sounds like an awesome conversation but it was awkward with teh rest of the people yelling about some word game and the videogames almost drowning us out...

I am going to have a party in Feb, and invite them and the stams and amy and rickkk.. cuz I have no desire to go 'barhopping' or whatthefuck single people do.

Let soemone set me up with a friend of a friend if it has to happen adn we'll leave it at that.

anyways. yeah. so some conversation. Nothing of what I wanted to say.. but anything I really wanted to say like "I'm glad you came home yourself and not in one of those flag draped coffins." wasn't exactly easy to stick into regular half-yelled conversation you know?

He still walks the same. Vanessa said he lost weight.. and I totally believe her, but he's SO much bigger then my memory CJ that it's hard for my brain to accept..

but my memory CJ is the boy living off of shots of vodka and sleeping in his van...

I hope that was/is the low point in his life..

I hope I can have a real conversation again with him someday..

But let me tell you, small crumbs keep me going... like his "What about you?" and your text message after midnight.

I really do love you too, more than I can say.

It's January 2011. And this fucking year is MINE.



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