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1:06 a.m. - 2011-01-07
it's gone and I don't miss it...
I called in. Now I just have to remember I called in... hah.

Maybe I should really go to the doc tomor..

k so, I saw Careeeew tonight.. nice to see her again.. we sat at the table and talked until Dorian screamed..

I really REALLY suck at talking with someone for more than an hour... I mean, I asked her NOTHING, not a damn thing, she just kept the convo going by asking me things and giving her opinion..

Good thing she knows me eh.. ohoh and she's decided that they are moving back eventually... but Dorian was screaming so I had to get him and I forgot to ask her if it had to do with kids..

she asked about a couple people.. i ranted for a bit.. I can't remember what I have told her in the past visits....

Now I'm feeling all psychotic.. I s'pose this is why i dont try to talk or email.. i just end up repeating myself.

I do have something rather noteworthy though.. that horrible feeling of shame? Yeah. It's lessening. When I do something embarassing or stupid, I'm more relaxed and dont completely cramp up..

See, I was a strange child. Everyone telling me I was smart and smart and smart and really smart my god Beth how are you so smart?!

Dude, it gave me a complex. Which caused my desire to LIE MY FACE OFF and pretend I am HORRIBLY SMART.. even though I do not know everything, It's a reflex to make YOU think I do...

So I used to feel utter shame whenever these little shams would be found out.. and whenever I was caught doing or saying something less than 'smart'. OR worse, lying about it and looking like a complete idiot..

I had an Epiphany, and on the same day as the calendar says 'Epiphany'.

I've been thinking about this, because I accidently dumped a drink at Kris and Dave's on New Years, and it went alllll over me and over the girl next to me, who what Kelly's cousin.. someone I dont know and prolly will never see again.. it also SOAKED her Iphone touch or something like that.. an expensive as FUCK phone...

and it was apple cider and jack daniels. So the stickiest shit in the woooorld..

and I just got down and cleaned it up.. Kris snapped at me saying I was cut off and told me not to use up all her kleenexes... later on when she asked where my drink was and I said uhh you cut me off.. and she laughed and siad she was joking, and Dave said well, I couldnt tell from yuor tone, you sounded serious

and I still didn't feel that "OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!" bit that I usually do when I do something even less then not pay attention to my hands...

Even looking back on it.. I still don't feel the shame..

2011, and I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!



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