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1:32 p.m. - 2011-01-14
I don't like making her cry, but she doesn't listen to a word that comes out of my mouth...

So I end up screaming at her... because after asking her EIGHT GODDAMN TIMES to get dressed, I get irritated..
and then she gets worse, because she's mad at me and doesn't like me and sad because she "misses her Grandma."

SO by the time we get to school? Yeah, she's in tears, because Ive been snapping at her.. And I have to grab her coat and drag her in, because she won't listen and I have to get to work.. and by that time I don't want to look at her face anymore..

I'm planning on fried chicken balls and red sauce to make up for it... and a loooong play in the bathtub..

But I'll prolly end up snapping at her again tomorrow.. when she wants me to pretend something.. because I cant pretend. I cant shut off that part of my brain that is screaminga t me to get the laundry done, or dishes, or mopping the floor, or or or or

Every individual day, or hour, that I think I'm handling this, those blessed moments when I think I can actually do this single parent bullshit? They are overshadowed by the times spend screaming at my four year old, while my one year old is bleeding, again.

"Hey you, Don't grab him like that."
"Julianne, please don't grab him like that, he can't walk."
"Don't grab him! Let go, let go of him!"
Dorian smashes his face on the floor, because she's got his arms pinned to his sides.. again.

I've talked to her about this over and over and over again. She won't stop.
I can't repeat myself every day, or several times a day, it enrages me. Time outs don't work. I've started spanking because its the only thing that sticks in her head. Screaming doesn't work either, I just can't control my volumne when Dorian's crying and bleeding.. Or when I've asked her over and over and over and over again to stop, or get dressed, or to quit fooling around in the bathroom while I'm feeding Dorian breakfast..

I know why some parents spend the day intoxicated.. I used to think that they were just lazy and didn't care..

Now Im starting to think that they cared too much and it drove them crazy..

I'm afraid that one of these days I'll just haul off and back hand her.. I'm terrified.

I'm terrified I will fail and Julianne will be this insane problem child. I'm terrified that I will lose my control and snap my hand across her face and really hurt her. I'm scared.

I guess that's what it boils down to. I'm just scared. All the time. I feel like I'm playing at being a grown up and someone is going to find out and take everything away.

Take my kids.. because when they aren't driving me mental I do love them. It's just hard to remember when Julianne's screaming she hates me and Dorian's just screaming.



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