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12:08 p.m. - 2011-02-12
maybe today
my face is still hot (and I assume, red) after shoveling the drive... 30 min ago. which gets me thinking about heart attacks.. Im also reading a book called THINNER, where this 'morbidly obese' man gets cursed by a gypsy. And wouldnt you know? Morbidly obese is still 50 pounds away for me... and away in the wrong fucking way.

The guy (who I had a mild crush on new years long ago when I spent it with my brother and his friends? yeah him) finally posted his pics of my brother's wedding in Cuba, from June.

And I must completely and utterly disagree with everyone.. my hair short looks fucking awful.. its all just moooonface, with nothing to distract you from it.. So I guess its not the hair, but my face...
I dont know if I will ever cut my hair that short again, after seeing those pics...
Also: The dress was only okay from the front, and only when standing. Now Im really sorry for wearing it to your wedding. I should have just worn pants and a pretty shirt... and remembered to IGNORE what patrick said at Ash and Marks wedding about how I wasn't a real woman because I didnt wear a dress to a wedding..

So yes, another collage called 'thinspiration' on my hard drive.. only this one? yeah, this one is the worst.. because of allll the pictures of me in Cuba, there's not ONE where I look normal or even halfway like I think I look in my head. My hands are even looking fat to me, and thats starting to terrify me a little

Its the swing shift baby.. Im listening to Smodcast, and Kevin Smith, every time he says the word fat, I think of how hard it was to get the belt done up on the plane to Cuba. And how I panicked and cried (silently of course, kind of like now) and I tried as hard as I could and had a bruise from the buckle..
because I am Too Fat To Fly, just like Kevin was... I just got away with it... barely.

Just that feeling of panic and terror, and humiliation at having spent four hours in the airport waiting for the plan only to get kicked off and have to go home and get off in front of all these friends of my brothers and have to miss his wedding and and and


yeah, I want that feeling to hit me in the gut when Im grocery shopping, or cooking, or thinking about going through a drivethru...

I'm debating getting a tattoo on my hand.. you know, like writing on your hand in school so you didn't forget? I want something that is reminescent(sp) of a plane on the back of my thumb pad.
Or maybe just a stylized letter F. Something.. kk off to google it and figure something out..



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