11:11 p.m. - 2011-02-19
drunken always
holy fuck. holy mother of fucking god.
it was horrible, it was awful, and he IS pushing it all away.. or trying to...
I got a drunken email from him last night (err early this morning)
thank god I checked it today..
I finally wrote soemthing to him, after sitting awake in bed countless fucking nights thinking about it... i got the guts to hit send and not reread it 40 times talking myself out of it..
guess I should just resign myself to the fact taht I will ALWAYS sound dumb in an email to him, and just write anyways.
oh god please.. please remind me of this shit when Im whining about my blessed and simple life and please encourage a slap in the face..
Im so freaking pathetic...
and done, completely fucking done with allllll of them. I'll still come to your party and make nice but fuck'm, im not ever ever making an effort. I wont be a bitch, because that's effort, and wasted effort in their case.
I wonder if that email hurt? Did it make you rethink your fucking priorities? Or are you always going to be on a leash from now on...? With the choke collar? You know, the one that you're 'content' with?
ugh, as usual, I should have done more. I should have just risked being annoying. looking stupid. looking needy.
Cuz ya know what sweetheart? YOU ARE FUCKING NEEDY. And he KNOWS that. 100 times over he knows that. SO what if you can't stay on msn until 3am? write him long rambly emails of little actual substance and ask his opinion on things...
stop overthinking this shit, because you are STILL sucking at being a friend. and you promised you wouldnt suck so hard at that anymore.. make an effort or something.
I really wish I would have kept that letter.. but Im kind of glad I just wrote it and let it go..
ugh ok, shower and bed.
still love you, always.
