12:14 p.m. - 2011-02-25
ana wrecks your life
I've been just, sick.
Ugly sick. Gross sick.
The good part? I have no desire whatsoever to eat. I am eating a little today. But it's really weird.
I wanted sausage, yeah it's weird.. and I was out getting groceries (supplies to last next week cuz I dont think I will have time this weekend) and drove through Mcds. and bought sausage muffin thing, but they gave me bacon.
I picked at it and ended up throwing 3/4 away...
Im trying to pretend like my fat ass has never done this but I read something yesterday and it triggered a lot..
See, here's the thing. This diary might take a turn for the worst right here. It might start being a LOT about me and my inner shit horrible 'perfection' crap.
Cuz I'm counting calories again. Its easy when you eat next to nothing.
Really tho, is it worse than eating yourself to death? I don't know. And there lies the problem. Either I eat all the fucking time, or I eat next to nothing.
I can't seem to find a happy medium.
So. I don't know.
For the record: please know that I don't care if you un-'favourite' me, that's alright really. I can understand if this turns into some kind of a fat girl fighting an ana girl on a daily fucking basis, I wouldnt want to read it either.
And I'm keeping this locked diary for myself and also, so that you can be my always and forever witness, so when things happen, you know exactly why they are horrible, or why I'm so happy, because you are here and reading. So when things happen you know everything and when I look you in the eye and we can either smile and laugh, or with a couple words I can tell you whats going on... it's just easier like this..
I really don't think this is going to turn into an intervention episode kind of thing.. not for a long time anyway.. And I don't have the attention span for that.. I'm sure by tomorrow night I will have snapped out of this again and it will be a distant memory by next week..
although the churning in my guts tells me different.. i dunno.. I need physical things to tell me that I have to stop or change or whatever.
If the results were instant? like if I fell asleep tonight and woke up tomorrow with noticeably less tummy? yeah then we might have a problem.. naturally it doesnt work that way, which I guess works bad both ways because I dont see how eating shit all the time affects me..
guess thats why I flip back to counting calories again and again and again..
k off to bed.. cuz Im really still sick.. 48 hour flu? i dunno. it better be gone by tomorrow night tho...
