10:47 a.m. - 2011-03-22
s'alright, I'll see it through...
So I'm at home.
I'm avoiding work to think. This is uh, I haven't done this in a while.
I had a fucking epiphany last night. I read a random J2 SPN fanfic...
I just clicked the first one and it was this:
http://raeschae.livejournal.com/16524.html
You don't have to read it (unless you love reading about the beginning of a gay relationship with some NC17 rated sex in it.. then by all means go check it out, It's written really well..)
Anywho, yes, the point.
So, I've always been restless. and searching. I have had no fucking idea what I've been looking for. Every diary/journal I've reread from my childhood (age 9 onwards) has mentioned this yearning need for something, and I've tried to attach different shit to it over the years.. I *need* a boyfriend.. I *need* to lose my virginity... I *need* someone to love me..
Etc.
This is not accurate, but I couldn't find the goddamn words to get it out.
So if you do read that fic? Skim over the sexy bits cuz obv Im not looking to become Jensen and get fucked by Jared..
Jensen's selfdestructive/selfpreservation stuff? It's EXACTLY the same as mine is. The reasons he does what he does ARE EXACTLY my reasons. I just need it. I don't know why. I just do. And there are VERY few ways I can get what I need. Cuz I can't get drunk and go to a bar and start a fight, I can't pick up random guys and let them tie me down..
I can't *serve*.
Very few ways I can get this itching restless fucking shit to calm itself enough so that I'm not screaming at my kids, or crying in the bathroom at work. Or screaming every time I'm alone in the car. Or cutting. And I still get shivers on that one. Because it worked the fucking best out of everything. Although I'm sure cocaine would full on beat it. I'm trying not to think about drugs, which isnt hard because I dont know where I could... well, I could call Tal and have her ask Lisa, cuz Im sure Koert still has connectiosn fuck Tali might too BUT IM NOT THINKING ABOUT THAT.
When I met Jonathon I thought that was it. I thought I was a sub that needed a Dom.. and that caused me to end up in a borderline abusive relationship, that I still can't definitively state whether it was or not. Because there wasn't anything physical that anyone could see, so who's to say it wasn't all in my head? But my memories? they are FUCKING dark.. everything I remember from that apartment on Campbell is fucking dark.. really dark. really like thinking about tossing myself off the balcony dark, thinking of drowning my screaming baby dark. thinking of buying huge amounts of painkiller and vodka and ... yeah.
I mean I asked for it, begged for it. I told God over and over and over again that I just needed one thing, and one thing only and I was given it. I just needed him to love me. And it was exactly what I needed, and then I got pregnant. And the world shifted.
The reason I think I need to date a friend, not a stranger, is because I can't imagine someone coming up and looking in my eyes and NOT flinching away. I can't imagine anyone who would be willing to *stay* in the face of what I'm going to throw at them (JUST LIKE JENSEN IN THE fucking STORY)
It`s not a D/s thing, it's not as intense as that, which that would be why I was a little leery on the whole Jonathon thing.. but a part of me still regrets that decision.. because I think I could have been that person then.. I could have been a good sub and been good for Jonathon. But now I can't. Just like in the fucking story I let it go too far, too long.. someone knows where my key is and I can't get it back now. Which I guess is why I still have Patrick blocked on Facebook. and why my heart goes up into my throat when I think I see him. I'm SCARED, terrified. Why the fuck am I so full of fear?
Because I went too far. I let it go too far and I wrecked something. I allowed myself to be wrecked. My patience, my trust. My intimacy? I don't know what to call it. Something, some integral part of my __________ got smashed.. and the funny part is, I think I smashed it myself.. When Patrick and I were on that break and sex was just sex and I bled and bled and bled and was only living because Julianne needed me.. And he kept talking and talking and talking about that fucking Elisa girl and telling me EVERYTHING everything you know everything except taking a picture of her when she cums...
I did try to deny it to myself, even when I was telling Patrick that I was broken, that something broke and I didnt know if I could fix it.
He was telling me I was crazy and that I would come back and everything would be fine that I just had to trust him etc etc etc All the things I wanted to hear, ALL OF THEM, but I didn't believe. Cuz I had/have this aching hole where something used to be, and I can't fill it up, because its always been empty. Except when I was with Patrick for those seven months and he was everything.. but even then a part of me was whispering to GET OUT get out get out... and I locked it in a box because I didnt want to hear that I wanted the happily ever after..
I'm still processing this.. I drove around for an hour this morning, just to drive.. didn't have the right music with me.. for once it didn't matter.
I think I'm back to believing in soulmates. That there is only one person that truly fucking fits you, and understands you. Like, you can love ANYONE at all. But there's only one that will fit perfectly.
And why did I shy away from this belief before? Because it means I'll be alone forever. And maybe I'm just scared of opening myself up again.. scared of trying to fit the puzzle together only to find out the piece Im jamming in doesnt goddamn fit.. again.
And this, I s'pose, is where I go well fuck it you know? Because real life isn't everything. I mean I've got the SPN fandom (which is fucking amazing really, really amazing. mind blowingly amazing for a bunch of college fangirls) and I've got Lucky and Gen and Trick and Grim and Nathon and Claire, and and and oh hai Muse, nice to see you again, you sexy beast.
