2:27 a.m. - 2011-04-10
I just.. I can't even. I can't help it. Because he's fucking perfect. And I do want it so bad..
And yes Im dryunk and yes I know this is horrible how I feel when Im with you guys and I know its bad but I cant help it I cant fucking ... Im so sorry.
Because he's perfect and I WISH IT WAS ME.
god this is so fucking awful and I'm trying to throw myself into imaginary characters because IT'S EASIER THAT WAY,
If I just pretend that Always Alone is how it's going to be and pretend that I accept it I can hang out with you guys and get drunk and watch movies that you fall asleep to that the two of us watch and share inside fandom fucking jokes...
It hurts because he DOES care, and I know he cares. If we could just talk about shit and just be there (like Dave) then it would be alright but we talk about... seeing a movie and yes Amy you too, ALWAYS you too because I do NOT want to be that girl I do not want to have a bond with your boyfriend because Im such a fucking geek..
I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS, I DON'T
not ever fucking ebver ever ever.. because I was so close but not really because you are MEANT TO BE and you are REALLY HAPPY and I cant think about this or even NO. not even. Nothing.
It isn't there, Ill rip it out and burn it okay?
I promise. Nothing. Ever. evereverever.
Because I do not want to be the third wheel for the rest of my life. I do not want to be the antagonist between these two for years. Because my bitter black heart shrinks and folds in on itself and I can't fucking breathe.
Because this odd feeling? Its hope. And I don't want to feel it. It won't stick around. This tiny flame of flickering hope. Ill bury it again and scream at myself for this moment but..
but but but...
"Truth is, I'm tired, Sam. And, I don't know, it's like there's a light at the end of the tunnel."