1:25 p.m. - 2011-07-18
\"...you know that, right?\"
I've been writing this entry in my head yesterday and all of today. I don't update here as much as I should. I don't say anything to anyone. I keep it all bottled and now I can't even let this out, I might have forgotten how. But this is locked, so hopefully he's okay with me spilling this here. Traditional I s'pose. Considering our history.
A firework went off in my head on Saturday night.. and that's about the best description I can come up with. My brain is garbled. Lightening strike is another way to say it. My circuitry is shorting out. Especially when I look in the mirror.
HOW is it that you always know exactly what to say, exactly what I need, truly fucking NEED to hear.. you pull it off again and again and I'm just.. struck.
It was our hour tho, you know, when we used to talk really well on MSN, and it felt like that. Me sitting there with my head whirling because I have your undivided attention and now I don't know what to say. But I'm being more open with you and not biting my lip so much..to keep it locked up. I let it out pretty well, inspite of having little to give you, other then just being there and knowing.
For the whole time you were in Afganistan.. well. Yeah. I think Ive mentioned that here a few times, yeah?
Point is, I fucked up all through high school and kept it all behind glass. Not with you, not anymore. I'm not afraid to say it, because it is true, it's always been true. And there's a line by my favourite character.. "That's the least of what I would do for him. Don't ask me what the most is."
Point is I tried to tell you exactly what I felt. I learned a little in the years I completely lost myself, it doesn't matter. It literally does not matter, because these moments are fleeting, and even if I do embarass the hell out of myself, as long as it's the truth, it doesn't even matter. (in the end)
I'm trying to remember everything you said, in the order you said it. That's the tricky part, lining it up in my head isn't working, because my heart stutters a bit and it's hard to breathe.
You forgive me. I think that's what it comes down to. You forgive me and more then that, MORE then that you saw something that needed fixing in me and you started off the conversation with what I really really needed to hear.
I may not wear a dress often, and I may not wear makeup often and most of the times I'm in boys clothes, and boys shoes. And I don't care if they match, so much so that I hardly buy anything other than black. BUT.
But you still said that I'm beautiful. And drilled it in. An arm around me and complete sincerity in your voice.
I'm going out today and getting new glasses and a Netbook. The weather is NOT cooperating, so I'll be moving my little black box downstairs too. If everything works out, I'll be back online tonight, watching FIREFLY ("I swear, by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.") and I'll be stalking you on facebook and trying like hell to keep my heart from galloping away on me.
Because you forgive me. And I was completely prepared for a talk to never work out, and never happen. I was in the bathroom, you wanna know why? Because I was accepting that maybe that one little comment you made about me being good shit was it and I was happy to hold on to that.. and then I came out and I dont even know who told me, but someone said he's looking for you, he wants to talk.
I've got three in my pocket, and I'll be okay. I feel it. I'm lucky.
You came back, and I still can just be there. But my heart's still playing origami because it's not enough, I know it's not. Even if you say it is, it's not enough from my view. Especially if that little part wasn't just drunkenness (And I don't think it was) and you are seriously stuffing everything.
I just need to get my head screwed on straight to concentrate, and by that I mean I need to get back online.
Cuz you can't stuff it. You won't let me, and so I won't let you either. I'd never be able to forgive myself. So I'll be the best I can, from a distance.
And that's what this means:Even if you're not with me, I'm with you.
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