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7:53 p.m. - 2013-01-04
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welp. So much for hopping back in the saddle hm?

Here's an update though, copied from an email and also a tumblr post.. because I think I captured everything between those two:

Long overdue update for those curious

(itís really fucking long okay)

Patrick is pretty much convinced that itís fate that we get back together and live happily ever after. Just like heís always ~known~ that weíre meant to be or whateverthefuck. Just great how he trots this out every time itís convenient for himÖ.and then I piss him off by not doing what he wants and Iím a whore who spread her legs a couple times for $500/monthÖ.

Iím still trying to sort through the emotions that the whole new years eve night gave me.. not just his little confession about believing in fate and basically negating any of my own feelings since heís decided this is ~meant to be~ ÖÖÖÖÖÖ

I donít even knowÖ the devil you know is better than the devil you donítÖ

And yes, physically, itís fine, and intellectually itís fine.. those bits are almost perfect and yes we can be good friends because I do enjoy his companyÖ

but emotionally? that part has always been crippled.. itís always been me having a freak out every three months and him just laying there or standing there, and maybe heíll hug meÖ and I cry myself to sleep and we start over again.. and then maybe when we start over he starts skirt chasing again at work (like last time with Eliza) because heís decided Iím a cold bitter bitch againÖ

Our problem has always been him assuming he knows more about whatís going on in my head/heart than I do solely based on his belief he knows what I want better than I doÖ and I donít know whether thatís just his own ego or wtfÖ maybe itís my fault because Iím terrible at saying things? but he almost always gets it backwardÖ like when he thinks Iíve fallen out of love and am looking elsewhere itís the opposite and when he thinks I still love him thatís not true.

But Iím medicated this time, so iím able to have a little more perspective on this than I normally do.. Instead of a maelstrom of emotions I canít verbalize itís just a whirlwind that I have to wait for it to settle before I even try to explain it.

I donít trust him. I donít believe that this new/improved Patrick, the patient, love you forever kind is going to stick around. I donít believe that he gets what it means to be a parent 24/7 and how Iím struggling every single moment to try to get through it without curling up into a ball. I donít want him in my apartment, I donít want any of his shit anywhere near me. I donít want to know that heís spent however many dollars on friggin concerts in the last year when Iíve been to the food bank three times in order to feed myselfÖ.

This is an email I wrote to my witness.. my friend that started me on this online oversharing thing.. since I had time to write it out at work I figure I should copypaste it here.

In a nutshell, I donít love him. Not fully. And I donít want to. I donít like the person I turn into when I have to take care of him because itís a full time job on top of the other jobs I already have (like mother to two children).. I donít like having to be the responsible bitchy asshole ALL THE TIME because he refuses to acknowledge that bills have to be paid before concert tickets are boughtÖ

I always thought that I would have to be with someone that knew me in highschool or for all of college or that I was friends with for years before I could honestly say that they knew me well enough to be able to commit to a relationship with me. Tumblr, this goofy website, has changed that. Iíve shared a whole lot of shit here, and continue to do so with everything I reblog. Every kink, every point of view, everything that hurts my heart or makes me laugh. And the connections on here? As deep as the ones Iíve had with my Ďbest friendsí over the years. Mostly more intense because I donít hide a goddamned thing.

So staring at him and talking to him and loving him? All I can think about while Iím doing that is how much better it would be if he actually knew me, and wasnít assuming that Iím the same person he Ďknewí before, or Ďknewí in highschool..

He loves me best when Iím totally unbalanced, when Iím itching for a new tattoo, itching to give blood, itching for the knife in my bathroom cupboard.

He saw the cuts on my legs, twice, new and old, and all he said was ĎKnock that shit off because I wonít be with someone that does that.í And weíve never had a conversation about it again. That was really early in the relationship, like two weeks maybe? Seven years ago. And heís never asked about it, or even looked into it (because if he did, heíd have questions).

I donít want to be with someone like that. And Iím afraid that heíll wear me down and eventually his voice will match up with the one in my head that tells me that no one will ever love me better than he does. That heís the best I can hope for.

And thatís the part that has me fucked up. Because I want to believe that I could fall in love, mutually, with someone on here (i mean on the internets, tumblr specifically since that's where I hang out these days..). Which would be nice, but the distance would kill me. Iím better in person, because I speak with body language and laughter better than any words. And I hate not being able to hear your voice, or watch you stir your coffee, or wring water out of your hair, or become lost in thought when someone says something to remind you of a dream you had last night..

So that's where I am right now. And it's probably a little confusing and shit.. but im le tired of thinking about this, so it's going up not really edited for content.

Hope y'all had a better start to 2013 then the metric tonne of soulsearching and confusion mine was.

Kind of impressed im still on some buddy lists, thought for sure you would have given up on me.

 

 

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