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10:05 p.m. - 2014-01-26
My mom threatened me tonight with a call to CAS.

Don't think she's really thought that through, not because I'm full of myself or because I think I'm doing such a goddamned good job at this parenting thing, but because if she did, if she made that call to Children's Aid Society, the second thing they would do, after logging the call, would be looking up the kids next of kin. If it went beyond that, my boyfriend (and by default his mother) would gain custody and raise the kids.

Im terrible. I know that. I havent really had an emotion outside of Anger, Fear and Pride in a lot of years, but I fake the other stuff.. or at least I have been faking it, rather well. And if I'm on top of my game and faking it until making it then I'd be the best choice.

A sterile couple that longs to have kids would be the best option, but there's no fucking way the kid's dad and his family would ever ever let that happen.

So mom, your threat of CAS is not really a threat of them so much as my greatest fucking fear of my kids being raised by that family of complete emotional fuckups..

But anyway, well done. You've made your point. I'm not faking it well or at all anymore, so it's best if I get some real help.

I've left a message for my boss at work, I'll be taking three days off to let myself have the panic attacks that wont fucking stop, and to make the doc appointment so I can be refered to a therapist or psychologist or if I'm really honest in the appointment I'll get strapped down and taken to the psychos ward at the local hospital immediately.

The second part of this? I won't ever trust her again. It's not a conscious decision, it'll just be there. Like a friend that told someone something embarassing about me.. I just.. won't talk to them like that again..

It's the same problem I have with the kids' dad... aka my current boyfriend AND I FUCKING KNOW OKAY, I know I shouldnt be with him and all that, but I seriously have no idea what to do here.. I have to be accountable to someone, even someone that doesn't understand that itch beneath your skin, that whisper in your head telling you to just swerve a little on that curve, yeah right into that tree there, I know I know I know I shouldnt be with someone I can't talk to, but the fact is I can't fucking talk to anyone about this shit, that's why I still have a diary on the internet that tells strangers and ONE PERSON that I know in real life about this stuff. And unfortunately I'm too much of an anxiety ridden idiot to move within a couple hours drive of her..

So here we are.

I'm sorry, Mom. We almost maybe possibly got close to opening the door of easy open communication and I'm slamming it shut again.

Because you .cant. call CAS. You .cant.

And trust me, if there was a way around this, a way to get my kids to a couple that truly wanted kids and could raise them...

God damn it, don't you think I would have done that already?

I don't matter, my fucking pride doesn't matter. The simple fact that I would cease to be as a functional human being after giving up my kids doesnt fucking matter, I would give up all hope of ever being happy ever again if I could guarantee happiness and solid family and emotional stability for my kids.
I'm sorry. Every single day I'm sorry that I didn't have the guts to agree to give you up when he suggested it...

Im sorry I let my pride get in the way for those few months. Im so fucking sorry I couldnt keep you a secret and give you up before anyone else knew about it.



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