Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries

4:06 p.m. - 2018-08-20
at heart im hopelessly romantic, which is at odds with my resting bitch face
Afternoon darlings. I made $40 for two hours of work today. It seems I might be alright at this sewing thing. So that's good news.

Conversations with people on tumblr reminded me of a situation waaaay long ago, when I was 19? 20? maybe 18.. probably 18 because otherwise i dont think my dad would have been keen on it all..

So I was at a cottage, I forget who's parents owned it but it wasnt any of my friends who were there, and we pretty much just horsed around in the way that you do when you're an elder teenager with a bunch of 20 somthing dudes.. we got drunk and stoned and paired off and messed around a bit.

Anyways. One of the mornings after this (my faavourite time of any party ever is always the morning after, dude i dont know why I've just always really loved that part, even with the hangovers) a n y w a y, the guys had these burning questions that they had always wondered about girls and they kept some kind of track of the answers or whatever,

And I hadn't had sex and was really embarassed by that, because I was still hoping for the love of my life to be the one to fuck me gently or at least a friend I knew I really didn't want it to be a one night stand with a stranger (or almost stranger, like I didn't know much about these guys except everyone else knew them, which.. yeah I dont know how I survived intact for all of that time.. like... i put myself in compromising situations and relied on my sheer Gothness to keep me safe, because all the dudes I came in contact with did not fuck with me, in any sense of the word. ANYWAYS

I ended up discussing my masterbatory habits with them and they were blown AWAY and for once in my life I wasbeing honest and talking openly and they all had like stars in their eyes and I was like, what, does no other girl on the planet spend time in her bunk?

And then Elsy tried to hook me up with one of them but I just didn't feel any kind of spark with him and avoided texting or calling or any of that, EVEN THO it would have definitely got me laid, because we made out quite a bit and shared a bed a couple of nights. He was so warm and it was freeezing because the cabin only had a wood stove for heating and it was... must have been May... may 2/4 maybe.. that sounds right.

Those guys were way too chill about life, in hindsight, i mean most of them are probably getting together and doing the exact same thing we were doing then, now almost 20 years later..

When people talk about white trash, I think of those guys, because they were (technically) but man, we had some good times with them.

And if life had gone a certain way and Elsy and I had gone out to BC for hotel management or whatever the fuck college course we found and bartended and shit, we would have come home in the summers and hung out with those guys and I can't see much past that on that road not taken by yours truly. If Elsy hadn't gotten in that accident, and I had ya know wanted to live after her accident and didnt just slide into a holding pattern for 10 years that ended with me realizing I was in an abusive relationship with a kiddo and absolutely no escape...

Sitting here, I think I've figured out why those guys are so clear in my mind, and that weekend in particular, that was the last time a guy showed interest in me and I saw it and recognized it. After that (and until now) there's only my ex, because I had kids with him and literally didn't see another living soul in a romantic way until I got out of that relationship for good 2 years ago.

So here's to Keith, wherever you are now, I remember you fondly dude. And I'm sorry that we didn't have sex. I totally could have had my first time with you and the world wouldn't have ended. And I might have been better for it.



previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!