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8:05 a.m. - 2019-12-10
unraveling string
Ultrasound today, to check my gallbladder and see if it's full of stones or if the pain I had can be blamed on anxiety again as the doctors tend to lean towards.

$5 for parking at the hospital. Still stupid to me to charge people for parking at a hospital.There's got to be other ways of subsidizing whatever the parking fees go towards.

I was feeling okay and then a wave of cramps hit. Fucking period.

Ive taken my meds even though I'm not supposed to drink any water. But fuuuuck that, even if I wasnt on my period I would still have drank enough to take my meds. It'll be digested and gone before the ultrasound anyways.

It does feel weird to have to limit water though. Thats supposed to be one of those things you just drink as much as you want whenever you feel like it.

Ive gotta get the bloodwork done for my family doc sometime this month as well. I thought I would do it the same time as this one, because I have to fast anyways, but then my period started and I drew the line at that. I cant take period plus blood drawing plus ultrasound no water fasting all stacked on top of each other. Makes me feel weak though.

In the before times (before I was sick) I would just do that. Just stack em all up. But I think that was part of my whole punish myself until I feel like I've earned the right to live thing. Fucked up, I know.

Maybe in a previous life I was one of those monks who would whip themselves, and that whole deal stuck. Cant seem to reprogram that bit of thinking, that I have to earn things through pain and suffering and any kind of distress. that I'm somehow unworthy just as I am and I have to do things to prove that I'm worthy by being strong enough or giving enough or or or... it's been pretty much the baseline of my thinking for a long time, and I'm not sure when it started or why. Just that there's this nagging belief at the center of everything, that I'm not good enough. And thinking about it now, it doesn't feel sad or hopeless (thank you meds) just, curious. Like, where did that ~come from? Little kids don't believe that about themselves. So when did I internalize that? is that one of those divorce things? That I truly did blame myself because if I was a better person my parents would have stayed together 'for the kids' as they say? But I was 4 years old, so that doesn't fit. And it doesn't feel ~true to think of it. It doesn't have that ring.

So it must have been some time else. how come thats not a saying the way that somewhere else is?

I'm debating going right over tot he hospital after Id rop the kids off.. and just sitting there in my car until it's close enough to my appointment time to go in. Or maybe I'll go in and register and read until my appointment.

This will be the third time in three days I'll be at the hospital. The other two times were for deliveries though.

Its 830. time to run



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