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7:47 a.m. - 2019-12-16
welcome to my cage little lover
Oh hey remember when i was puking and blacking out from pain and one of the things that kept me conscious was knowing that if I did totally lose consciousness that the fire fighters would have to figure out a way to get my 300+lb ass out of the tiny back room and up the stairs at work?

Shame is a hell of a drug.

I stepped on the scale at the doc office, not the 'real' one with the weights, the digital one. Because it's usually in kgs so i can have a number in my head that will stick until the next time i'm in his office.

Also, that more than anything has made me fall back in to bad habits. But ya know, the socially acceptable habits for fat people, and the deplorable ones for skinny people.

But whatever. As long as it gets rid of some of this fucking shame it'll be worth it.

Disordered eating is only disordered when you weigh less than 100lbs. yeah im being sarcastic, but it's also the truth. skipping meals, cutting out entire food groups, eating less than 1200cals. etcetcetcetc

im so bitter. but determined to prove yall wrong, so i guess that's some progress. better than shrugging or making a joke and giving up like before.. im trying not to spiral into real disordered nonsense though. that shit sticks and is so so hard to break out of.

I lost half of the playlist that spotify made last week, not a serious loss, the last half of the weekly list is usually meh, but im still annoyed about it.

stop holding so tight to things that dont fucking matter.

Youngest's birthday is today. He's 10. Part of me is happy that he's not going to remember the worst of his dad, and part of me is gutted because I know I'm not capable of being two people as much as I try.

yeah yeah im a good mom, sure, whatever, it doesn't matter, both kids are still suffering. And I refuse to be like my parents and find someone to shack up with just because of the two is better than one mentality.

I still maintain that no dad is better than a shitty dad, but im wavering.

maybe no dad + a psych is better than a shitty dad.



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