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11:18 p.m. - 2019-12-18
some song lyric ive forgotten which one
from earlier, before work, when dland servers hiccupped:

it wouldnt be so annoying if my brain could get on to some other train of thought.

instead of this spiral.

im tired, im dizzy, fucking let me off. just let me exist without this constant barrage of these same thoughts over and over and over

gotta get ready to go to work, to drive around and deliver shit with part of my brain, and listen to the third book with another part. I keep turning the play speed faster and faster to force my brain to concentrate on it. sticking my whole entire head into that world again, it's the only one that holds my attention.

I forgot how much the 2nd book hurt though. I could do without the love triangle nonsense, but that's a given in all of these books, taht's what hooks the regular people, because apparently magic tattoos and a secret group of people that stand between us and demons is just not interesting enough. (yeah im back on my shadowhunter bullshit)

the only annoying thing about the audiobooks is I can only have 15 holds at a time. but thinking on that, maybe thats a library thing Ive never known because Ive never had that many books I was waiting for from the library.... also everyone wants the Wheel of Time series, which is good sure whatever just, it would be easier if i could listen to it at work, and get caught up that way.

im cold today. I know I say I never get cold, statistically though, it's a never.. i have to consciously check, which i rarely do, cuz when i check the pain breaks through again. the numb parts get cold easy but I dont realize I'm cold until I run a check over my skin. Its become a self soothing thing, to run my hands over and confirm that I am in a physical body and oh hey that body is freezing, and also in pain. always with the pain.
Ive got bruises and cuts from work, no idea when or how i got them. doesnt even register. physical discomfort? It better be part of me on fire or actively being stabbed, otherwise i stumble through.

and when i do check in on this meat suit, oh hey that jangling pain thing I'm ignoring is my knee or this rib or that finger bone between the palm and first knuckle or all of them and more besides. and then the pain radiates outward, and i block it all out again before i get stuck in it.

i dont have time for the meditation that holds me in that space, directly inside the pain, and makes me sit there until I'm sobbing. If I hold it that long, how long? i dont know, long enough, then the pain rolls back, like a wave going back out into the ocean and i can breathe and move and, just be.

It works but I don't have the time it takes to recover from it. Its fucking exhausting to sit inside of it, blind and deaf to everything but the feeling of being inside fucking lava, there arent even thoughts it's just the singular moment when you stub your toe when you are sure it's been compacted back inside your foot.. like that moment before you scream. yeah sit right inside that moment until it covers you completely.

In pain cant do anything, exhausted cant do anything, dissociate so fuckign hard you forget you even have a responsibility to keep this body warm and fed and moving? seems like something i'd pick. but it means i can work, and check on the kids and text my parents, and keep going.

So Im cold, and numb. And that's okay. maybe I'll get cold enough the spiral will stop.

jokes.. pretty sure if i get that far it'll mean im dead.



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