11:19 p.m. - 2019-12-18
awake right now
I got 30s into the next book and realized Daniel fucking Sharmin is narrating it. Which makes me want to rewatch teen wolf. not that i need an excuse, but really i just want to see Stiles and Isaac. and maybe finish the series some day.. and not be mad about how robbed we were.
anyway, im listening to it at normal speed, because Daniel fucking Sharmin does the Welsh accent, and the Irish accent, and a bunch of darling Brit accents. im going to see if i can find any other books he's done.
maybe i'll listen to some more of it instead of sleeping tonight. Im tired of all the stuff I have to do tomorrow and it aint even tomorrow yet
...
I think it's bullshit, and i don't want to poke at a goddamn wound so I'll write it here. What it means is they don't fucking know what they want in a romantic partner and for A, it sucks, it fucking always sucks, but you guys were young, that was the time to figure that particular bit of shit out.
V, on the other hand, should goddamn motherfucking know better. And should have been able to put it together in less than 10 years. AND before you guys got fucking married ! what the fuck !
and now I want to tell you that, but i know you're drunk, and ... well, whatever. I'll put it here and maybe you'll see it.
it's not your fault that she isn't self aware enough to know that she doesnt know what she wants. it fucking sucks that she got married to you without that self awareness. without even an inkling of self awareness in any goddamn form.
And she hurt you, I trusted her with you and she hurt you, and Im going to be pissed about that for the rest of my natural life.
Itll be 30 years from now and I'm going to bitch about her. Likely not to you, because you will be happily married to someone who looks like Lindsay Stirling, but here. In this diary. I'll vent about how pissed I still am because i wont want to remind you of it.
every day that gets closer to 2020 my dreams get worse. im trying to tell myself it's just the anxiety, and once I get all the shit done that has to get done before christmas it will be okay.
i dont want to jinx it. theres still a black hole inside my chest.
