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11:29 a.m. - 2019-12-23
runnin my mouth until she busts my lip
there's too much.

fuck december.

Ive screwed myself by letting the kids stay up until midnight, that means I'll have to stay up even later to try and wrap shit... so hopefully i can convince them in a calm and meaningful way to go the fuck to bed at 10 tomorrow night. maybe tonight too. who knows.

kiddos' dad's family has been making noises about spending more time with the kids. but not actually, you know, making plans? So I'm very neutral and all "text me, we will work something out" and then I dont hear from them.

Im trying to force them to figure their shit out and make plans with me. instead of vaguely saying they want to see more of their grandkids and then acting all hurt when it doesnt happen.

I know their Poppa is just lonely, super lonely. And my kids are the only ones left that 'love him as he is'. But i mean, thats only becauyse they are too young to know why he went to jail and all the shit that happened between their poppa and their uncle, and their poppa and their dad?

He specifically wants to spend more time with me, but I know it's because I let him talk and talk and talk and talk and I dont argue with him. That's getting less and less though. He might outlive my father and man, Im fucking pissed about that possibility.

Saw M yesterday, goth cousin, (sort of, he's the closest thing) he's more skinny than the summer, and that leaves him basically skin and bones. I'm worried, not a lot because my aunt was relaxed but.. still there's something. i mean he could have just been hungover, i just.. i cant keep my eyes off him when he's in the room. And he watched me over the meal. And listened when i talked about my hair. Many people commented how much they liked it, but one in particular didnt realize it was a mohawk, and actually ya know, maybe he thinks I'm a poser.

Yeah that's good. that thought's a nice bucket of cold water over that entire thing. if i could just stop wanting to be best friends with every lanky dude dressed in black that passes me that would be fucking fantastic. He's going to school for welding. Imma shut up about him now. my brain wants my life to be a movie. my brain also forgets that im goddamn 36 years old.

added layer of the stress of having almost the entire family show up to christmas for the first time in years made me focus on my table and nothing else. My kids were really freaked out too, everyone kept touching them? Look you want to hug me, fine, you've known me for forever and whatever I'll take that, but my kids aren't comfortable with this person they don't recognize or remember hugging them touching them asking them 10000 questions about school. Guh just leave us alone. let's all just gather here for our Oma and then go back to our lives like we've been doing for a decade okay.

Im trying to eat so I wont be hungry at work tonight, but I attempted nuts+bolts in the crockpot and burnt part of it, so the apartment smells weird.

I should have went with low temp and longer cooking time... but you know, first try and all that. next time it'll be better.

alright i should find my work shirt. it's 6 degrees so i wont need my jacket probably, which means i better have my shirt.



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