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8:39 a.m. - 2019-12-26
gravedigger, when you dig my grave, would you make it shallow, so i can feel the rain
My tiny apartment is completely totalled. The recycling only gets taken every two weeks, and since Youngest bday was the 16th and Christmas yesterday we are drowning in boxes and bags. And then there's the bags of presents, and the dishes I havent done because I was working and then we were out and about for Christmas and really who wants to do dishes on Christmas.

Dishes are that thing, that one chore that I hate doing and can hardly convince myself to do EVEN THOUGH it takes barely any time at all if I keep up with it. I would give up half my cupboard space for a built in dishwasher.
What I need to do is get into a routine so that the boys can help me without me feeling too guilty.
I think because I hate dishes so much then asking the kids to help me feels like Im performing inhumane torture on them. Logically I know Im not, but thats what it feelslike. Have I said lately how dumb feelinsg are.

I've had a headache since christmas eve when I stayed up late wrapping and stocking stuffing.

I feel better though, less anxious as a lot of the christmas anxiety has passed even though I still have to get a $25 gift for our gift exchange on saturday and also convince the kiddos to paint four more picture frames at some point, maybe we will do that this afternoon before i go over to grandmas to help her sort out the leftovers from christmas in her fridge.

Instagram is super depressing this time of year, between the couples and engagements, and the pictures of everyone with their friends.. I love my family and Im really glad I get along with them, but i miss my friends, the ones in Manitoba, and Ottawa, but the worst ones are the ones that I know are in my town, visitng family, and theres not a text or anything.. her parents live blocks away and she's never texted once?

Do I text her when I see her post a photo on instagram of being in my town? Is that weird? Is she not texting me because she's tired of this town and doesnt want to be here?

how the fuck do you human?

Ive left it up to her, because she has a bunch of family and friends and an even wider circle now that shes engaged, and I dont want to be tugging at her annoyingly... but maybe she thinks I dont want to hang out?

i dont know. Im way to aware of how much I cling to people these days. but maybe i dont? Like I feel shitty every time I send something to C. because hes the only person i talk to every day, but it feels wrong at this point to not send him an emoticon or some random youtube thing, or whatever. Its a habit for me now but its also habit to spend ten minutes talking myself down after I sent something.

I try to wait 8 hours sometimes.. pat myself on the back when I do wait that long.

thats normal human behaviour right.... totally.



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