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11:17 a.m. - 2020-01-13
god save us everyone
Im gonna get pissed when you use that fucking word. tranny isn't funny when you use it because I know what you mean. and how you mean it.

You are talking about my goddamn kid. I know you can be objective because that's your MO, you keep all your emotions in a box.

I dunno man, we are 180degrees away from each other on how we operate and we are both alone.

neither one of us can seem to compromise on these feelings. I let mine spew out all over the place and you hold such complete control over yours, and smirk when someone gets mad.

and we end up in the same place anyway.

obviously we are both fucking up, and Im trying to not get mad at you, but its my KID and I can't just not think about him when we talk about this shit

you have no horse in this race, and i cant tell what questions im supposed to answer and what ones are rhetorical that you would normally be putting in the youtube comments

I know you care about me and my kid, but you also say the worst fucking things.

cognitive dissonance

lets just not. lets not. Please. I dont want to get in to how my brothers were beat, or my friends. I dont want to have to educate you on how your experience of the world is not goddamn universal, and when you sit inside your bubble like that it pisses me off because I cant imagine not being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes. especially since I KNOW you have scars from when you were a kid. Why is it so fucking hard to think that other kids maybe got scars too?

I know you have empathy but goddamn is it hard to fucking hold that thought in my head when you say the same hateful shit thats been hurled at me and mine since I can fucking remember.

so i grit my teeth and say a bunch of that hateful shit back as casually as I can. I dont use the word faggot. I use queer but you don't know the half of the history of that word so i can use that one too to make my point without getting you riled up.

Im talking microcosm and you are talking macrocosm

maybe thats why it irks me so much. because you generalize about a time that seemed to you to be fine and dandy, and tolerant and peacable,

when you didnt get your face smushed into the mud and held there for being a LESBIAN and getting simultaneously kicked in the ribs, or the time we were 'playing' but it was just me protecting my friend from getting hurtby putting my body crouched over hers, and then I was the slab of meat, shortened ever so lovingly to Beef, not Beth.

Beef, the LESBIAN, sneered and hissed at me every day... my best friend, named leslie was just lesbo or lezzy, she was chased around the school yard, her hair getting tugged so hard it would rip out of her head (because she was a redhead, so that was also picked on mercilessly). Until one day I completely lost my shit and started ripping hair from everyone who was chasing her. The names didnt stop, but they werent able to pin me down after that. And they didn't go after Leslie anymore either. I was too big. and maybe that's why ive stayed this big. And why every once in a while I completely lose my fucking shit all over someone.

I dont want to do that to you. I dont want to make you think I hate you. I dont hate you. I just fucking hate the word tranny. and faggot, and lesbo and lezzy and Fucking QUEER, and all the other shit thats hurled around that you dont notice because it's never been aimed at you.

im so fucking angry. because i internalized that shit and haven't been able to trust that Im not going to get the shit kicked out of me if I ever do anything in public that isn't straight.

And how I get excited but also start panicking when I see two guys holding hands in public. Like arent you scared? Im so fucking scared.

And I hate being scared, and I hate that you reminded me of how scared I am for myself and my THIRTEEN year old transgender kid

Stop reminding me that I havent a hope in hell of keeping him safe. because you would hurt him. You care about him but you would hurt him



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