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10:53 p.m. - 2020-01-20
let there be light
Sleep continues to elude me. I can't fall asleep before midnight and I'm awake again by 5am.

I don't feel as horrible as I should for getting so few hours a night though, which is weird. My brain is this weird amalgamation of the voices that read for the audiobook of The Dragon Reborn (Wheel of Time series) and the actors from Spartacus (3rd season).

My lovely american friend H is coming in March-ish for a visit. Which means I need to get my ass in gear about sorting out my gathered things. Letting go of all the things I hoarded when I was staying at the shelter and then when I first moved here and I was sleeping on the floor and people kept giving me things, things I neither wanted nor needed but I couldn't say no because I felt so utterly like shit.

I remember the apartment feeling so so empty and my days spent in here wondering how I was going to feed myself and my kids.

Now it's full of ~things~, some lovely and great and awesome, and some terrible, some stored in a number of plastic totes because I've just held on to everything, and some broken that I havent taken to the dump or recycler or wherever (what exactly do you do with a broken microwave, or a broken portable dishwasher that wont fit in my car ??)

ya know stuff like that.

And all the books Ive bought in the last year. Good fucking god. I should not have any disposable income because I just buy books I dont fucking read.

I'm going to bed, and hopefully I'll pass out before midnight tonight. and sleep until seven maybe ????

and then I'm going to spark joy like a motherfucker all goddamn week, or at least the dishes and laundry until saturday and then i'll spark joy all fucking weekend

thats the plan, starting in a wave from my room and moving through the apartment like a tsunami

oh, also, my mom might be moving in with my grandma, in which case I get a couch (which is the comfiest couch in the entire blessed planet to sleep on) and also the marble table. And probably a real book shelf. You know, real actual furniture, not the mostly wrecked shit I inherited from my ex's family or stuff I've managed to find at goodwill for super cheap.

I have this idea in my head of what I want my place to look/feel like. And in the next 6ish weeks I'm going to conquer my executive dysfunction and general malaise and get it as close to that as I can.

also, apologies if I've written about this 2902548935 times.. but imma keep talking about it until i get through it.



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