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10:57 p.m. - 2020-03-30
thunderstorming rain sounds
Day off. fucking finally.

Got emails from kiddos teachers. One with a 'hey ive emailed your kid stuff because he is 13 and should be able to handle the couple assignments, and also Im not contributing to any additional stress, these kids are smart and will be fine even if we dont get back to classrooms for a while.'
Excellent that we are on the same page on all of that.
Second teacher, for youngest who's got adhd and who's 10 yrs old: here's a metric ton of online bits and bobs, and also the sign ons for all of them, and how much time we usual spend on them in a day/week during a normal school week. Lots more pressure there but Vic said she would help with homeschoolin, so Im going to read over it all and send her the info I think.

Spent most of today in bed, but I did manage to crank out two meals from the meal box. I get three meals delivered a week, but on the weeks I work all weekend I hardly have energy to cook them unless I get them cooked before the weekend,
obvi that didnt happen this last week, as I was working every day. And I got a new meal box today.

Anywhoo, the ingredients have faired better than I thought they would, so Ive been able to make the meals in spite of not making them within seven days of getting them.

Am I making sense? i took my night meds already and it usually makes me pretty light headed until I give up and lie down for the night,

I got groceries today, took an hour because i dont remember where anything is in the stores anymore having used online ordering for a year (but online ordering has just been overwhelmed by demand. and it keeps getting more and more busy, currently theres only two days next week with any timeslots open)
but I managed it, and it should keep these wildthings fed for a week or so. hopefully.
But there are very few things put in place other than the stickers on the floor and signs about social distancing, and lots of empty shelves.

A loaf of regular cheap bread was only $0.25 though, which surprised the hell out of me. I thought the signage was wrong but it wasnt. I didn't see anything else with a wild price like that, so I'm not sure what was up with that, I havent heard of that being a thing anywhere.. so im a little confused by it.

Wish I had a chest freezer I could stock up. Ihave no idea where i would put it in this small apartment, but I still wish I had something bigger than the freezer in the top part of my fridge.

So, on sunday, I just want to record this for future reference, someone in an apt on willow told me that two of the tenants in that building had tested positive and beeen quarantined in their apartment (mother and son)
There's been no mention of it on the Health Unit website, and the lady that told me is rather old.. but she was pretty concerned about me touching anything inside the apartment building itself..

Im still watching the health unit website every day, because i missed the thing about the nurse from stms, whose husband works with my dad until after dad came to see me to tell me...

I freaked out about that on instagram a bit, somewhere no one but my friends that I trust with my freak outs will see it. I just... Dad's got a bad lung and a bad heart.. Its real fuckin heavy. His work hasnt done a goddamn thing for the regular workers, they are all still having breaks in the break room at the same time, 16 fucking guys around one table, eating and coughing and sneezing on each other, lockers and everything right there.. very little sani and no clorox wipes for anything..

So I'm waiting for the text to say he has a fever,or worse, that he's been transfered to the hospital in town and then i get to drive by it every fucking time i go to work and every time I come home, knowing he's there and that I cant fucking see him even if he's dying..

not that they have put those particular sanctions in place yet, Im just assuming they will because other countries have done so..

It's still the calm before the storm. My brain has burned the memory of Dad standing by his truck talking to me from 6 ft away, I try not to think about it to much, it makes me cry immediately. And I know that doesn't make me weak but i feel like it does.

Hes not sick now. Maybe he wont get sick. But my brain has decided that's the last time I'll ever see him and I have to remember making him laugh and being really morbidly funny with him, and I have to remember everything

and im crying again. uuuuuuuuuugh. alright. okay. im going to bed.

my new routine is checking on all the updates from cbc on the counts and whatever JT said this afternoon, checking the health unit for any updates on cases in my county/town, then i put on whatever ASMR video that's long enough that I'll fall asleep before it ends. Oh and I have rainymood already playing on this computer underneath all of that.

I cant read the updates in the morning, because my brain goes thats yesterdays news where is TODAYS NEWS and then I end up checking and checking and checking all day long. So I take 30 min before bed, jam all the craziness in there, then i wack myself out with an overload of soothing noise.

Turns out my coping mechs from when I was in terrible fucking pain all day every day also work for constant overwhelming anxiety/stress.



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