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10:02 a.m. - 2020-04-02
no music again today, what
I got lots of shredding done yesterday, and some more steps towardsgetting things more put away and logical. Makes me feel accomplished. sort of. Like maybe how you feel having climbed one mountain out of the 42 you know are on this trek you have set out on.
As in, okay I know I can do one mountain, that's good. because i wasnt sure i could even do one and for a long time I actually couldnt do one at all, so this is progress, even though it really does not feel like progress if I look at the end goal.

I need more practice breaking down tasks into tiny bits. And being gentle with myself. I'm still working, Im still keeping two kids fed and clothed and somewhat sane,

i found that thing I painted that H said she loveloveloved that I had plans to mail to her for her birthday, which was last month, but of course I couldn't find the damn thing and then I forget which actual day was her bday, so I pretty much wailed at my incompetence inside my head and gave up.

But I found it. So Im going to also locate my bundle of halloween cards and put, happy (however many days it is) days to halloween! and send the painting to her. And even if I cant find my halloween cards I've located the card stock, and I can goth it up and make my own halloween card if I need to.

I also want to send a pack of stickers to my Dad, they are nature-ified guitar drawings, by Derek.... i forget his last name. Derek Myers. I had to go on instagram and look it up. again. derek_the_deliman on insta in case any one else needs something pretty and black and white and artsy to look at
Stickers are small enough I should be able to make a 'thinking of you' card and put them inside and post the thing without a box.

If you take a break from the news for 48 hours, it's goddamn frightening how much the numbers go up while you aren't reading/looking. I was looking at a bunch of explanation videos last night before bed about how to visualize exponential growth in numbers, and how to interpret data since the numbers are a snapshot of the cases as of two weeks ago (approx) due to the incubation period for this virus.

Since my immediate community has had one death and my county has less then 10 'confirmed cases', I took the population size, extrapolated and did some math, and stared into the darkness of my ceiling for a while.

This morning I'm feeling that simmering pissed off-ness at the teens that are still roaming around like packs of wild goddamn animals, laughing and joking and partying and shit.

And I get it. I do! I get that feeling of the adults are overreacting again loool, but goddamn it this isnt Y2K, this isnt a hardyhar lets joke about learning how to hunt with a bow and arrow because society is gonna collapse and also stand in the parking lot of the arena at midnight to watch all the lights go out as every computer goes dark (yes I did that when i was 16, and was pretty disappointed when nothing happened.and it's taken me a long time to come in contact with enough programmers that worked their asses off to make sure that ~nothing happened!~ to believe that it was actually a thing we absolutely should have been worried about)

this is something that people in your immediate area are getting sick from and fucking dying of. And our healthcare system can. not. handle. it.
At this point even IF we flatten the curve, Im pretty sure our healthcare system is going to collapse or come so close to collapsing that it's going to seem the same thing.

Since my hands have the skin all inflamed and sunburnt looking/feeling, and flaking off, I can't imagine how doctors and nurses are doing without the proper amounts of PPE.

alright while im sort of ranting here, another thing ive not made up my mind about is whether ordering shit online is a bad idea or not.
Sort of depends what you're ordering.. and how much it factors in to your mental health (without meal kit deliveries my quality of life would fucking tank). And whether you can do contactless deliveries, and whether it's a local business that's going to collapse during these unknown number of months without ~any income, and online ordering is saving their asses, saving their locally provided jobs...

there's a lot of factors to consider. And Ive concluded that it doesn't matter. I can't ensure that amazon is treating it's workers fairly, all i can do is limit the number of deliveries for frivolous stuff through amazon, and try to use my money to support local businesses as much as I can.

I'm hoping this year I can join a vegetable box subscription from somewhere local.. since the farmers market is going to stay closed for at least the forseeable future, maybe more places will be doing this sort of weekly sub thing, and maaaaybe they will deliver, but im willing to drive to where ever to pick up too.

Im going to write that in my planner actually, to remind me to go on facebook and scour around in that muck for those specific farms that I know are around here somewheres.

online schooling for eldest has started? maybe? It's all emails directly to him, so, im ouit of the loop beyond the grimace i get when i mention it to him. same grimace for showering directives and tooth brushing reminders and I just cannot win with that kid. I let him to pretty much anything that's not going to injure himself or others and I still get push back on the most basic of basic goddamn things. I'm hoping that as I work through my own clutter and clean up the spaces outside of his room, he will see what a little effort every day can do, and be motivated to take my '15 min a day, seriuosly, it feels like nothing and makes a big difference' talks to heart.

online schooling for youngest starts next week. only a couple hours a day I think? the education minister is very wordy in his letters and I lose interest almost immediately. but there was a chart and k-3 was one hour, 4-6 was two I think? and gradually increasing to highschool where it was frankly a ridiculous amount, but im hoping that high school is similar to when i was in it, where if you could go at your own pace you could churn it out quicker, because you dfidnt have to lag at places you understood and wait for the teacher to explain places you didnt.

Basically Ive got this weekend to get my room/kitchen in good enough shape that youngest can spend a few hours a day in here doing school work, where I'm not going to be embarassed by the teacher seeing my cluttered home if we have to do any live chats or zooms or whatever the fuck app the school is going to use.

And of course I have to work 830- mon tue wed and fri next week. So I will have to remember to talk to the neighbours about helping him.. shit i forgot about that.

More lists, i need more lists of things so i dont forget what i have to be on top of. Preferably in a book, because then i wont loose the piece of paper im writing the lists down on.

oh and mom wants to do a 'drive by' visit with the kiddos this weekend. i have no idea what that looks like. but im thinking maybe we each go get some timmies and then park somewhere near each other so she can talk to the kids and we can hang out from inside our cars.... Thats one thing that work has completely fucked up. I can't come near my mom, or my gramma. Or my dad. And thts pretty much my entire support network.and mom is feeling it pretty hard, since we used to visit with her once a week or two weeks at most.

so yes, text mom and figure out logistics of the drive by visit, and also check in with her.

Also dishes and make a meal before work at 5.

and yeah, it's 11:14am now, it's taken me so frickin long to type this, omygawd



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