Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries

1:40 p.m. - 2020-04-02
if i just pour everything here several times a day i wont explode or implode
Eh, for the record. future record i suppose. to myself i guess? Im not sure, i neve really look back at these entries but maybe i will now.

So, for the record,

I'm not doing great, mentally/emotionally. I mean Ive had lots of practice stuffing things down and away and carrying on like its normal, so Im okay very short term, but I'm not, like, okay.

I keep having these dizzying moments of holyfuck holyfuck holyfuck when I think about the future at all. Like anything longer than basically this month. You want to talk about the summer, fucko, i can't even talk about may right now

And I'll be trucking along and this wave of anxiety will hit me, like "you forgot, you totally just forgot right now that the whole world is different and you cant just wander around in your usual routine" and I will quickly spiral into a panic attack (which is what is happening at the moment btw) and get jittery and unable to focus and have a hard time putting words together

And I want to check the news, I want to read the updates and get the counts and just dunk my whole head into that for a while, but it's not going to be good for me, logically I know that, but my anxiety just wants some reassurance that ~something~ hasn't happened, like the country hasn't gone on lock down this afternoon and no one told me because they all assume that Im listening to the PM's speech every day

I dont, mostly because dude is just, ugh, listen, I respect that thigns change over teh course of your life, but you don't announce that you are 'never going in to politics' where I can hear you and then become the leader of a political party and expect me to believe you actually want to be there and arent just feeling pressure from your dead dad's legacy.....

So, like, I can't get the idea out of my head that he's literally and performatively just the figurehead, and a pretty face that other people's words come out of.

anyways now Im ranting about JT, goddamnnit

Hes not any worse than any of the rest, it took me a good few minutes of thinking to come up with the name of the last PM we had (Harper, for anyone playing along) and that's noly because theres still "stop harper" graffitti on some stop signs around here that i drive by when i work.

Okay so, update:

dishes are done
meal was cooked and eaten, (dishes from that done too! wah!)
leftovers are cooling on the counter before i chuck them in the fridge for after work, or tomorrow, or whever i get hungry

I should prbably lie down for an hour to reset before my heart explodes, then i can get up, have a shower, dress for work, and not be completely panicked

or at least thats the hope.



previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!