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9:25 p.m. - 2020-04-03
beer, brownies like it too!
I want to get drunk. I have for a long while, and I think it's just leftover yearnings from not having the farm party for a few years and at this point likely not ever again

farm party was a weekend were we go to Tias' farm and just, hang out and drink and make a giant bonfire, and some years the pool would be clean enough to swim in (but I never ever wore a bathing suit there, a couple times it was hot enough I jumped in with my clothes on)

so, normally, i'd have one weekend in a year that I would be kidless long enough to get properly hammered.

so im missing.... hanging out with people I've known for 20 years, but mostly hanging out drinking once high school ended.. and ya know before i had kids and everyone decided inviting me to things was too much work or whatever

Ive been talking to C pretty much all day. I keep dreaming about a house I've never seen, and he's walking up the laneway and we're standing outside, im smoking a cigarette and he's smoking a joint and we're staring at something in the sky, the milky way maybe? I dunno, maybe just the moon, but in the dream i know we're neighbours. and this is a common thing we do, part of our routine, and the rest of it is all fuzzy, but i know where i belong, everything is calm and dependable, and i feel like im home.

like im where i ought to be, and there isn't the constant buzz of anxiety, which might just be being in the dream and might be this specific dream

anyway, point is I should make hot chocolate tomorrow and toss some mint liquer in it. Its made from vodka so it isn't sweet at all so it should go nicely with hot chocolate. After so many years of not drinking at all im a complete lightweight,
and I was sort of keeping up with C for a while until he was like, duh stop that, your gonna kill yourself trying to keep up

funny, i worry the same thing about you



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