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11:09 p.m. - 2020-04-09
Find what you've longed for your whole life
I feel calmer now. Which is good.

I didnt end up writing a to do list, because today is the only day off I have in this whole week, and i was fighting aheadache most of the day and just couldnt get motivated for anything, crashed into bed again after lunch, and dragged myself out at 430ish

I did contact youngest's teacher about what sign on i was supposed to use for the laptop the school sent me. He confirmed which and also resent the passwords for all of youngest's everything.

How does a ten year old have over 100 emails? Why are these teachers emailing stuff to these students without knowing if anyone has access to these email accounts? Youngest had never seen his email, or at least not often enough it stuck with him as something he knew..

It ended with me emptying his email of everything but the last week's emails from his current teacher. And then I set up Zoom on his laptop so my mom can 'meet' with him and Eldest once a day. Partly because she needs to see these kiddos and partly because youngest is going out of his melon with only having me and eldest around, his emotions are all over the place

Even Eldest is feeling it, he hung out with me for over an hour, laying sideways on my bed while I puttered on my computer, talking to me about stuff, laughing about ridiculous internet things.

I'm not going to push the school work anymore, or even mention it. If/when work gets into a routine and i can count on some time to sit with Youngest at the table to work on his, I'll hopefully be able to encourage Eldest to do stuff just by being around us doing that routine... maybe...

Im still waiting for the mouse/keyboards etc, but now i dont really think i need to set up my old computer in the living room? I mean, we have the chromebook for now for youngest, and eldest has his ipad.. I dunno. I need to think about it some more.

I still signed up for the $200 payment for having Youngest at home during this time. Not sure when/if that will come through but that at least helps cover the computer stuff, but I really don't have to worry about it, or even think about it too much. because the government has completely lost their minds, I usually get $200 for GST rebate every three or four months, I forget why it's a thing and my head is starting to hurt again so im not going to google it, but this month I got almost $900

insert What The Fuck .gif

They said they would increase it, but it was said almost in passing and I didn't see anyone latch on to that as a news story so I didn't figure it would be much, I also don't know if this is like a lump payment of the whole rebate? but it usually goes June-July, so a lump payment of $900ish doesn't make sense either?

So yeah, holy hell. I was almost at $2K again in my account. So I put $500 on my credit card and in the time it takes that to process I should almost have charged it to $500 again. but, like, I still had money from my tax return to cover that? So now I'm still 1500ish ahead??

I just, I'm swimming in government money and it even seems legit and not some kind of crazy error???

So once again, I need to get someone to put together that list of local places that are delivering restaurant style meals or grocery stuffs, or whatever services the local places are figuring out to keep their business going and support the local communities.

I might get mom on that... sicne she had a fight with her boss (her boss is a fucking twit, and wanted her to come in to the office one hour a day monday to friday ???? Like fucking pick a day if you've decided you are essential, and also all of mom's work can be done from home, he's just a micromanaging freak) she's working from home all the time now, and checking in on gramma.

Gramma had knee surgery like a day before schools were closed, so Mom has been there since this started, and had to be there to help, and now doesn't want to leave Gramma alone. which makes sense to me. So the daily Zoom meeting will be good for Gramma too.

Work is still waiting on some of my coworkers to get back to them with decisions on whether they are continuing to work or not.
Uh, what? I just.. I can't imagine. Did you not think about this already? Did you not weigh the pros and cons when all this started and decide? Like this should have been on your mind this entire time, and it shouldn't be that big of a deal, considering you *know* that this pharmacy is going to have a spot for you once this is all over, you know that. Don't you?

People are so baffling. Er, maybe I should say people who don't have anxiety/hyper vigilance are baffling to me.

Some times I think that I should really be out doing patrols somewhere, or in a fire watch tower, or something. I dunno, something that uses this skill of being jumpy as fuck and also committed to whatever course that I've chosen and/or whatever that course has become.

Can't say as it's really served me well thus far. Not in any lasting good way and mostly just in remembering too many details about certain things. Mostly painful things. A song brought me allllll the way back to when Patrick was trying on different teenage girls, shortly after Eldest was born, and fucking them in our bed while I was visiting my family... I unpack that horrible feeling , stick my hand in it, cry for a while, and then box it back up again.

I knew then at that time, knew it in my soul, that we werent going to be forever, but i still tried to make it work for ten fucking years after that. Sometimes I wonder how different everything would be if I had left after my first dream of leaving him and never looking back.

Im tired, and I do in fact have to work tomorrow, and saturday, and sunday. so off to bed with me. I'm going to try to get up early enough to actually make breakfast before i go to work at 10. and considering its trash day I also have to get the trash out before 8am, soooo if you add those two things together I should be able to accomplish both those things before work. And a shower.

Right? Right.

If you loved me
Then why couldn't I change your mind?
If you loved me
Then why couldn't we try a second time?
You thought you knew me
But I'll never be fake like you
How you used me
How you moved me



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