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8:46 p.m. - 2020-04-11
im so tired my teeth hurt
I dont remember if i did an entry yesterday, if not, soz

Im goin g to crash in to bed here soon, so i figured i would make an entry while Im still conscious

Im exhausted, fatigued, bone fucking weary

I think it's just the mental exhaustion from everything, every fucking thing, in our lives being changed from just slightly off, to completely off the rails

Like the only thing that is still the same is I talk to C every day, and also once a week I get a meal prep box delivered.

And I know I dont get being on your own, entirely alone, i know I don't get that, but goddamnit do you know how many different fake people I am in a day? the competent parent (loool) for the kids (which is like twelve different people depending on the situation), the calm as fuck person at work while my coworkers are freaking out or when someone in a mask is screaming at me to get away from them/the doors, the completely pokerfaced driver while some dumb fuck has biked their dumb ass directly in front of my hood, the tech wizard who can make zoom work from across town on a laptop im not familiar with,

ugh i dont want to list any more. I dont feel like any of these people are me. I dont feel like there's any moments anymore when I just get to be myself. To just breathe.

So I've had two owners tell me The Plan for work, and basically the drivers are SOL. We have basically the same work hours, and basically the same procedures, there's no teams for us, we work all the time.

Like there's not even a discussion of shortening the delivery hours or some other compromise, because none of the drivers were included in the discussions.

So If I get Monday off, and I still feel the same way I do now, I'm going to email them telling them exactly what I think about that. Or maybe I'll just text the other part-part time guys and see who needs/wants hours and give them a bunch of mine.

Like it's to the point that I actually hope Im sick or someone in the store is sick. so we get shut down for two weeks.

But I think Im just feeling that way because im so goddamn tired right now, and my knee is swelling again and it's going to take a month for amazon to send me the fancy schmancy leg support thing that according to my research is going to fix the water retention going on in my left leg

why my left leg? who the fuck knows.

In conclusion, working 6 days out of 7 does not a happy Beth make.



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