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9:21 p.m. - 2020-04-13
rainymood is still one of the best things on the internet
Not sure if this is just because Ive gotten used to being socially isolated because of chronic pain chopping off all my social plans or because I dont have the emotional capacity to take this on but whatever it is,

I don't miss people. I don't miss my family. Like as long as I know they are out there doing their thing I dont miss them. I just, I always have so much going on, or so many things to entertain myself with, or distract myself.

It might just be emotional walls Ive built up, because as usual the people I value in my life never seem to value me the same way or to the same extent... so I make sure I dont get to emotionally involved in my own life i guess.

Like weirdly, this will likely be the most I see my family ever, in my life, if we continue with the 8pm zoom meeting that happened tonight, every night. Even including the days Im working and therefore will miss out on the meeting. Like I might see all of my brothers 5 nights a week? what?? that hasnt ever happened since we were little kids and lived together.

I was going to skip the meeting entirely, because I had napped and was only just getting done the dishes and still had to make supper, but i put it on anyway, just in case i was the only one that didnt. i don't know waht to say and can't stare at my own face in the computer thing for any length of time at all, so I angled it so I didn't have to look at my own face, and they could watch me cook, and I could still hear them talk.

It worked out alright, I think we talked/hung out for about 30 min, then the brothers left and it was just me and youngest and mom and gramma. So I sat beside youngest and we did our usual antics while I was wating my supper and he was eating some meatballs and talked to gramma and mom as if we were having a dinner together at mom's place.

Both gramma and mom got tested, both are negative, but they are still on complete social isolation orders until April 19th, which doesnt make sense to me at all, but Ive pretty much given up on making sense from anything the health unit says. Trying to make sense is just asking for a migraine at this point

Point is though, that the two of them are trapped inside grammas apartment for 14 days straight and they really need the distraction of a couple of goofballs yelling at each other about whether or not a meatball was stolen from someone's plate

Why does it take so so long for a credit card payment to process, but a thing you charge to your credit card shows up within 24 hours...... dumb. I remember now why I hated having a credit card at all, on top of never seeming to make a dent in the money I owed on it, I also couldnt time the payments and charges right. Now I'm just super shitty at the timing part if I don't pay attention for a couple weeks.

I was going to start a new video game tonight, but I think that's a better idea for tomorrow. In between getting a few more dishes and laundry done. And going through the hats and mitts and scarves, figureing out if theres any left that arent too small or in tatters. Setting a reminder for next september to buy more of whatever we have worn through this year. Tossing out coats with broken zippers because im not going to be a person that replaces a zipper in a coat. Or at least I'm not going to be that person this year. Maybe next year, and by then there will be more coats with shitty plastic zippers that break.

Im getting to be able to picture my place, with all my things where they should be, and nothing to trip me on the floor, and nothing I have to turn sideways to avoid knocking into or knocking over...

I'm loosening the death grip on things that I developed when I was out of work and scared and hungry and ashamed and in pain constantly.

I look at the few painting test things I did so so many years ago and I know that at some point this summer, I will have a spot in my apartment where I paint. A spot near the sliding doors, where the only natural light is in this basement apartment. And maybe all the paints I've saved for 15 years have all dried up, and that's okay, I know where I can order more. And I have an income, a steady, essential, infuriating, baffling, job.

And I don't need to hold on to things like mismatched mitts with rips in a couple fingers because they are still 'mostly okay', and I don't have to figure out how to replace a zipper in a coat that only sort of fits youngest because I cant afford to buy him another coat because this one is the wrong size because I was in too much pain to remember what his size was when I was at the store

I can remember all that, I can remember being there, and I can let it go.



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