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7:34 p.m. - 2020-04-19
you have all the weapons you need
Three days since my last post? Whoops.

Friday I worked 930-12, which was a waste of a shift, because I spent half the time sorting and organizing things, and then they changed what we were to deliver, so i resorted and reorganized. I had a drink with lunch when i got home to celebrate being off all weekend, and having plans to actually sit down with youngest to at least read the emails his teacher has been sending.

Then I got called in to help on saturday, so I made my own hours (1030-230), then the guy who was supposed to be working delivery alone came in late, so by the time he got there (1035) I'd already been there for 20 minutes, then he only took half of the usual Saturday morning run, so I ended up ditching the run I had organized and taking the other half to make sure it got done by 12, and then he pretty much futzed around the whole rest of the time I was there, staring blankly at the wall of delivery shelves and then at his paper where he's supposed to write stuff down, (all while standing within 6 ft of me, like hes not supposed to do, but im not his boss so i couldnt bitch at him about it)

Basically he was acting as if he hadnt slept or something, and then one of the times I was going in right after he was coming out I smelled whiskey, and the drivers are the only ones that use the back door now, so. Pretty sure he was hungover. So that's great. I get called in to help this fucking guy and he doesnt have the brains to even be ready to work.

I organized the deliveries in priority order, instead of leaving them a jumbled mess, I took as many as I could possibly fit into the time I had, and by 2pm I was waiting in the parking lot for him to get his next run organized (we're not supposed to be in the store at the same time, something he doesn't care about or forgot about for most of the time I was there) so I waited 20 min in the parking lot for him to come out again.

Twenty fucking minutes, after I had already organized everything. I have no idea what he was even doing for twenty minutes. So as I was leaving I mentioned to the front till staff that I thought he was hungover, just to make sure the busy bodies passed that along to the owner who was working this weekend.

Which was petty, and I shouldnt have said anything when I didn't know for sure, but fuuuuck that guy. Next time I get asked to do this, Im coming in to do the full Sat AM run, and leaving him to flounder with everything else.

I spent most of yesterday afternoon in bed, thinking my period was starting, but the shitty feeling just got worse. Woke up this morning feeling an ice pick of pain stabbing into my head, and got up in time to make it to throw up. By the time I got enough pain killers in me to beat back the stabbing pain I'd thrown up too many times to count and then I started having full body shakes.

But I also had groceries to pick up, in a timeslot that I had to wait a week for. So I gritted my teeth and if I concentrated I could stop the shaking enough to look normal to pick up my grocery order.

Kids helped unpack the groceries, I couldnt will the shaking to stop any more and I crashed back into bed trying to find a way to lie down that didn't make me feel like throwing up and alos didnt make the ice pick worse..
I was well enough that I felt hungry around supper time, so I made one of the mealkit things, because I ddint want the ingredients to go bad (it was from last week's delivery) and it was pretty good, but a big ingredient in it was sweet chili sauce, and my body likes to overreact to any kind of heat at all, so it was burning my mouth half way through my little plate of it.

It has stayed down though. I can feel where the ice pick is, but because Ive been able to keep down food I've also kept down more pain killers. I'm probably nearing the daily max on the bottle, but as Ive dealt with pain for a long time I know I can actually double that number before I start having side effects.

Did I do anything else with my time? Nothing productive, that I know for sure. oh i remember

I noticed that Netflix has the whole Hunger Games series, which is super convenient since it's one of my faourite book series and I couldnt remember if Id watched the movies or not. Turns out I had, because I remembered some parts, but I must have watched them when the kids were little, or something, because id forgoten how the movie portrayed certain things..

Books are still better, but they did pretty fucking good with the movies. And unlike popular opinion (other than her being way too pale skinned compared to the book description) I think Jennifer Lawrence did really well with what she had to work with. As the protag, a lot of the Hunger Games is in Katniss' head, and also she was stoic as fuck in the book. And I freakin love Josh Hutcherson's Peeta, he is perfection in that role.
And Jena Malone as Johanna *chef's kiss*

Anyway, I ended up searching more of Jena Malone's movies, which is how I found Sucker Punch and watched that today, and I love it. lovelovelove it. I know it got shit reviews and whatever but it's so up my alley. I ordered the extended cut off of amazon when I was halfway through watching it.

I'm trying to convince myself I don't feel as crappy as I do. I don't know if Im getting sick (which, What? I freaking bathe in hand sani at work, and have better keeping-the-apartment-clean hygiene then I have had in my life)

There's also this little tinyvoice in my head that whispers ~brain tumour~ every once in a while, but I ignore that. A migraine does not equal a tumour. It's just a migraine. Shitty, yes, but not life threatening. Someone please inform that little voice, so it can shut up.

And finally, this question: The mystery of who’s story it will be. Of who draws the curtain. Who is it that chooses our steps in the dance? Who drives us mad, lashes us with whips and crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible? Who is it that does all these things? Who honours those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us and at the same time sings that we will never die?

Who teaches us whats real and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what We’ll die to defend? Who chains us? And who holds the key that can set us free?
It’s you.
You have all the weapons you need.

Now fight.



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