Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries

9:02 a.m. - 2020-04-22
runnin runnin runnin from my heart
Ive been waking up earlier and earlier and couldnt figure out why but I think now that it's because the kiddos sleep in, so the earlier i get up, the longer I have a quiet uninterrupted time to myself. I should be trying to get them up earlier because some day they will have to go back to school but i cant be bothered.

I captured a lot of local businesses yesterday, on my google sheet. Found some that I likely wont bother trying to support, because if i couldn't afford to eat at your fancy schmancy restaurant before, im not going to order fancy schmancy lunch from your restaurant now, when i have to do the dishes and shit.

Plus the fancy food just reminds me of anxiety riddled attempts at being someone Im not for my ex who loved going out to eat but always got super pissed when the check came. and then bitched for a week about how much it costs to live the way he wants to live... b l e h.

Distillery finally emailed me back, so there's that order to pick up, today, tomorrow, whenever. A delivery of 4 different frozen soups and a bag of tortilla chips are coming some time this aft/eve, and I've ordered pick up of a few grocery things from a local diner that's turned into a mon-fri grocery delivery service. So I'm hoping the diner emails me after 11am and then I can do one sweep before work today. instead of a grocery pick up today and booze pick up tomorrow.

I still feel weird about getting stuff delivered when Im still going to work. It seems backwards? Like I'm still all over the damn town, and random places otherwise, so picking up something from a place isn't really exposing me to anything else, and might save THEIR delivery drivers a tiny tiny bit by not having to drop stuff off on my stoop... but maybe I should be doing the opposite and asking for delivery from every place??

I dunno. The soup place is run by two people and they dont have the man power to stay at the store and also deliver to everyone, so that delivery i worked out with them. even tho Im almost literally driving by the soup place on the way to and from work this eve. (Also I thought that maybe I could volunteer my delivery services to help them out, but then remembered id be using my own car and I dont have insurance for that.. OR ENERGY OR TIME REALLY but im still in super duper fucking help everyone feeling like Im not doing enough mode)

So my plan is, to drop off a bag with frozen soup and local diner butter tarts at my grandma's place. I just have to message my mom and find out which soup they would like. I hatched this plan after realizing I dont have the freezer space for 4 soups (and 4 is the minimum order) but not soon enough to ask them what type of soup they would like to order it before hand

gfjdkagfsdjk Im still trying to do too much at once. I can't seem to slow my mind down at all. I'm trying to remember to drink another cup of coffee a day to keep my caffeine up (It;s an ADHD thing, the half of my brain that can't keep up (the self control, think it through part) needs the caffeine in order to fire as quickly as the pingponging part, which is why I feel so goddamn scatterbrained in the morning and exhausted in the afternoon, or at least thats what my research into adult ADHD symptoms and treatments has led me to discover about my own self)

It sounds backwards, but some days I drink my coffee and lie down for an hour, because my brain is finally equalized and I realize how fucking tired I am. It takes a significant amount of sleeplessness+caffeine for me to get the jitters, since I'm already hyper aware and pingponging 24-7.

Anywayyy, Ghost posted a video, he's the only person i know with covid, and it's wrecking him. He's an OG dland friend, and my heart hurts. Partly because I cant share the vid with C (he doesnt have fb) to give him some counterbalance to all the "it's just the flu" stuff. Yeah it's mild for some people, and for others it fucking obliterates their lungs, and if they survive the covid infection, they immediately get pummeled by pneumonia, or are fighting both at the same time.

I don't want to lose Ghost, not that i've been a particularly great friend to him or very close after the height of the dland days, but it's one of those touchstones things, I like being able to toss him a 'like' or a heart emoji once in a while, post things to fb I know he'll get because he laughs at things I laugh at too.

Im not gonna argue with C, I think I'll just have to wait until I get it and tell him first hand. At this point I think that would be the only source he would take into consideration.

Okay Youngest is up, I have 30 min to make a list of what I want to accomplish today, and then him and I are going to watch some new movie on netflix that i know nothing about. I'm going to make the list in real life though, instead of here, so I can cross it off as I go and feel like I did something today before work at 530.

Sometimes it's hard to read the updates here, from people who have people. That might be why I'm so focused on doing more / spending more, because at least then i'll get a chance to chat with Mom from the sidewalk, or have Dad pop over and talk to me from the edge of my back deck, or something.

If I time it right, I can leave a package of food at Dad's the same day as we go to his town for Eldest's therapy appointment....

See, i can't fucking stop.



previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!