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6:06 p.m. - 2020-04-23
the peace out of me
I did some dishes, then cooked a bunch, and negated all the dishes i did. blergh.

So i bought pizza delivery for supper.

I ordered the drill, i'll go pick it up tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is garbage day, so if I get up early enough to put out the garbage (plus a bag of useless stuff) then after that I can go pick up my drill, and the other stuff I bought. Because I got the $200 bonus for having Youngest home from school (Eldest is too old to qualify) so that went immediately onto my credit card to cover the drill, two bike helmets, and two clear plastic tote things of different dimensions that will hold all of Youngest's lego (hopefully)

I work tomorrow night and sat and sun, so between trying to get caught up on these damn dishes and working I'll likely not even start on any kind of curtains or lego dumping, until some time next week or the week after, who knows. My period is supposed to hit any time now, so that usually knocks me out for a few days too

ehh, whatever. baby steps. sleep when i should and nap when i need to. take my meds and drink my water. make it through my shifts. do laundry, do dishes, cook real food once a day.

If I keep up with those things, and then maybe once a day have some energy to tackle one other tiny baby thing, and have the energy to calmly encourage the kids to do one thing too

Eventually I'll get to where I want to be, and that's in an apartment that doesn't stress me out to look at, doesn't make cleaning an insurmountable chore, that isn't filled with stuff i don't really need but hoarded when i was unemployed, totes of stuff from my childhood/teenagehood, memories of people who dont remember me or dont care one way or the other about me, stuff laden with emotion that I need to let go of.

Would I remember all those 'good times' that have turned really bitter if I didn't have all this stuff still?

Only one way to find out

Too late, this is not the answer
I need to pack it in
I can't pull your heart together with just my voice alone
A thousand shards of glass I came to meet you in
You cut the peace out of me



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