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9:34 p.m. - 2020-05-09
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I want to update, but im weary. tired. exhausted. i need to define these words better in my head. because theres the regular every day tired. theres the going to fall down if i dont lie down exhausted from doing things, there's the weary from dealing with stupidity at work but all those words flip around. and then whats the words for when im feeling all of those at once?

i ordered pizza for the kids and pasta for me, from bed, fighting with the wifi on my phone. thats supper tonight. i didnt do the dishes, i might not do them tomorrow either. depends if i can get myself to go to bed soon, and if i wake up early, and if i come home from work fucking wrecked again like today

i also picked up $70 worth of brunch/lunch food, and dropped it off at home during work today. so i dont have to think about groceries for alittle while again. i actually forgot about that until now, i didnt have to even get pizza. whoops.

my period has calmed down to almost nothing, just the barest cramps, not even enough to take more pain killers for. but my body still feels like it's been run over.

I think maybe because I was cold for most of the shift at work, maybe my body is reacting badly because of that.. cold tends to make whatever it is I have going on worse.

i want to read, to finish the last one of the books that C lent me so I can go visit him sometime in the next couple of weeks.. its against lock down or whatever but he is all alone all the time, and he cant use any of the trails or hunting areas, everything is closed.. i just wanna lay eyes on him and give him a hug, and see his stupid big willow tree, see his doggo, meet his new hawk..

Just hang out like the world isn't a giant dumpster fire.

I bought a portable easel. For art. As a motivation to continue to throw away useless things. because I had an easel for a year maybe? and then lent it to my Dad when him and his then-wife had the studio thing, and they never returned it.. but it was also a gift from Dad, so it might have been one of his "Well, since you didn't ask for it back, I figured you didn't actually want it, and we had a use for it." test things, like the saw horse when I had vague ideas about becoming an electrician, up until i realized how much math was involved. And also heights? Dad seemed to think lots of heights were also involved.. hense the gift of the saw horse, that I was supposed to climb up on to see if I was still terribly afraid of heights.

Anyway. I had an easel, and now I have one again. So even though like 14 years has elapsed I'll now be able to actually look at the art stuff I've carted around and see if any of the paints are still good or not.

My brain man, it's so goddamn weird. It's like there are certain steps or things i have to achieve before i can do other things, like a videogame. Shit is locked unless I have an easel, then i can access it again.

I dont know why, that's just how it is. Or at least how it is for now. I'm trying to not cement that particular 'quirk' or mental illness, or whatever it is, in place.

okayokayokay bedtime.



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